An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.

Learning to Be Content

This post on the blog Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal really resonated with me.

Excerpt below, but check out the entire post and the entire blog for an uplift!

"Lately I have been upset that my Infertility Anger was coming back.  I was irritated by constant reminders that we didn't have any control over when we added children to our family...


In the midst of all of these thoughts, I kept seeing this ad on TV for a new show about couples having babies.  Some of the parents seemed apathetic about their new babies, which made me angry.

If only they knew how easy they had it...
I was frustrated.  Disgruntled.  Confused....

And then our bishop asked me to give a combined, 5th Sunday presentation about self-reliance, welfare and budgeting.  That doesn't seem like it would have anything to do with Infertility Anger, but it ended up teaching me a lesson.

As I looked over some materials for my presentation, I kept coming across the same things: 'Trust in the Lord' and 'be content with what you have.'  

And then, in the mail I got my February issue of The Ensign magazine and in it were 2 articles about finances and self-reliance.  One was called Learning to be Content.  It was written by a woman who had been caught up in comparing her home and her financial situation with those of others.  She said:

A short time after we moved in, my initial excitement faded as I began to see the flaws of our home and feel discontented. Many of my friends had much larger homes decorated in such appealing styles as to make our home seem small, plain, and wanting. I found myself making comparisons and feeling that I came up short.

During one of my more intense periods of disgruntlement, a couple in our ward invited us to join them for family home evening. When we arrived at their home I felt the anticipated pang of jealousy at the sight of their large, new home in which little had been forgone. What I had not anticipated was the conversation I had with the wife that evening. She mentioned their unhappiness with their home and their desire to find something a little bigger to better suit their needs. I was astounded! How could someone who had so much not realize how lucky she was? I would give anything to live in this gorgeous home—and she was unhappy! How could she not appreciate what she had?

As I later reflected on her comments and my reaction in turn, the Spirit gave me a very profound insight: I was no different from my friend whom I so strongly envied. We had been blessed to purchase a beautiful house that many, many people would be overjoyed to live in. The problem was not with the house—it was with me.

I had a lot of emotions swirling around in my head and I had forgotten to stop and count my blessings.  In order to be happy, I didn't necessarily need to have what other people seemed to take for granted."

Be Still, My Soul

Last Sunday this hymn was played in church as a beautiful musical number. It's always been one of my favorites.

As my husband and I sat together listening, I found added strength and comfort in the words.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Patience. What a hard thing to learn. I used to think I was patient, but the older I get the more I realize I'm just not. This is by far the hardest thing. Especially because when we think we've been patient plenty long, it's just the beginning for the Lord.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

This reminds me of a scripture (I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say).
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. He'll take care of me. As long as I do my part, He'll give me all that I need and then some more...ALWAYS.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I had a professor that called those thorny ways "Celestial Stress". Look at any great person you know and you'll see some extremely hard trials that they went through and those trials are what made them great. So whenever I'm faced with something difficult I try to remember to ask myself: "What am I suppose to learn from and gain from this experience?" I know that the Lord cares for me more than anyone else. Because of this, I also know that if I stay close to the Lord I will come out of it a better person and more joyful because I am that much closer to Him.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.

I know this is true but I always need to be reminded of it during tough times. I KNOW that the Lord has ALWAYS taken care of me in the past. EVERY trouble I have had, he has guided me and it has worked for my good. My husband is so good to remember this and sometimes needs to gently remind me when I'm having a rough day.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

It can be really hard to keep constant hope. I remember one night breaking down and crying to my husband (and later to the Lord). I told him how badly I wanted to have faith like Nephi, the Brother-of-Jared, and so many others that didn't waiver. But whether we have perfect faith and hope or not, one day we will see the answer to those questions that are so hard to understand now.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Doesn't this remind you of Mark chapter 4? When the Lord calmed the seas. I've always loved that story. If the waves of the sea know who Christ is and obey him, shouldn't I too? Even when it's tough? Maybe I need to be like the sea more often and just BE STILL.

Not only was the music absolutely beautiful and the words inspiring, but there was icing on the cake. Have you ever noticed the scriptures at the bottom of hymns? I don't look at them very often, but I decided to look them up this time. What GREAT scriptures!

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the Lord, and do good....Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass....Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him...wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth."

Doctrine and Covenants 101:14, 16, 36-38

"And all they who have mourned shall be comforted....all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.
"Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life."

And to top it all off, even the talks went along with this personal spiritual feast I experienced.

One of the speakers said these words:

Have faith in the future

Where the Lord will take us will be better than where we've been.

I felt so blessed that the Lord would allow me to learn such wonderful things. I'm glad I was willing to listen and worthy to hear.

It Really Is a Wonderful Life

I was recently reading through some old blog posts of some amazing women and came across this one.

It was a great reminder to me that life really is wonderful!

...Even when things aren't going how we planned.

Years ago a friend of mine posted these words on her blog:

This year, September 1, marks 3 years of infertility for Ryan and me. However, instead of being sad and full of self-pity I have instead decided to focus on blessings. I have a dear niece who is turning 8 this year. I was told recently that during one family prayer she said something to the effect of: "Please bless Uncle Ryan and Aunt Amy that they can have a baby. But if they can't, please help them know that they still have us."

During this month of thanks I have been pondering about the great support of our family and friends. I have a hard time talking about our struggles openly, and usually don't, but I know many of them are aware of our situation and pray for us. I have been so touched as I've thought about the kind and selfless hearts of our family and friends. This is one of the Lord's tender mercies that has brought me comfort and peace.

And that knowledge makes this life a wonderful one!