Heat

I made some banana bread today.

It actually turned out really good.

It was soft and moist with no burns or gooey spots.

It was just right.

As I sat eating a slice late at night I started thinking about how my bread got from the slimy ingredients I put in the pan to the delicious fluffy bread I was eating. The answer to this transformation of my dough to bread all happened because of heat.

It was also important that just the right ingredients mixed together before it was exposed to that heat and that it was IN the heat for just the right amount of time. Otherwise my bread couldn't become the deliciousness I was eating.

And as I ate my bread it dawned on me that our lives are kind of the same.

The Lord is so careful to put just the right experiences, or ingredients, in our life at just the right time so when a trial comes along we have the opportunity to grow and become a "delicious piece of bread". If we try to escape from our trials too quickly we might still be a little gooey in the middle, or in other words we won't reach our full potential.

The Lord said:

"My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy [trials] " (D&C 121:7-8)

So the next time I'm in the midst of the heat, I think I'll try to remember my banana bread and imagine what "deliciousness" I can become if I endure it well.

Wait on the Lord

I have never liked waiting--nor have I been good at it--yet I find myself waiting a lot these days.

Most of all, I am waiting to rock a baby to sleep in my arms and sing lullabies and wipe tears and calm tantrums until we get pregnant or get chosen for an adoption.
I don't think anyone can escape this life without having to, at some point, wait for something that they really really want.  A child, a job, a cure, a loved one's change of heart...a spouse.

Several of my best friends are not married.  They'd like to be.  A few of them appear to be on their way (very serious boyfriends); others have suffered recent disappointments.  They are beautiful, kind, intelligent, and talented.  They are spiritual, selfless, funny, and capable.

And yet they wait.  They wait and hope and work for something that is almost entirely out of their control.

A phrase that has fascinated me in my recent scripture study is "waiting on the Lord."  One thing that I love about online scriptures is that I can type in a search term and easily read all of the references that relate to my query. 

When I enter "wait on the Lord," I get 47 results, and I have thought about many of those verses at different moments in the last few months. 

Lately, I have been thinking about this one:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Waiting for our baby is the hardest thing I've ever done, and sometimes I wonder if I can continue doing it.  I need the Lord to "renew [my] strength."  I need Him to help me "mount up with wings as eagles," so I can see a view of my life from a higher, more eternal perspective and feel the exhilaration of His love.  I need Him to help me run this endurance race "and not be weary...and not faint." 

We are all waiting for something.  We've been promised that we can bear it.  Sometimes I'm not so sure...but then I remember these scriptures, and I remember...

We can do it.

Be Still, My Soul

Last Sunday this hymn was played in church as a beautiful musical number. It's always been one of my favorites.

As my husband and I sat together listening, I found added strength and comfort in the words.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Patience. What a hard thing to learn. I used to think I was patient, but the older I get the more I realize I'm just not. This is by far the hardest thing. Especially because when we think we've been patient plenty long, it's just the beginning for the Lord.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

This reminds me of a scripture (I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say).
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. He'll take care of me. As long as I do my part, He'll give me all that I need and then some more...ALWAYS.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I had a professor that called those thorny ways "Celestial Stress". Look at any great person you know and you'll see some extremely hard trials that they went through and those trials are what made them great. So whenever I'm faced with something difficult I try to remember to ask myself: "What am I suppose to learn from and gain from this experience?" I know that the Lord cares for me more than anyone else. Because of this, I also know that if I stay close to the Lord I will come out of it a better person and more joyful because I am that much closer to Him.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.

I know this is true but I always need to be reminded of it during tough times. I KNOW that the Lord has ALWAYS taken care of me in the past. EVERY trouble I have had, he has guided me and it has worked for my good. My husband is so good to remember this and sometimes needs to gently remind me when I'm having a rough day.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

It can be really hard to keep constant hope. I remember one night breaking down and crying to my husband (and later to the Lord). I told him how badly I wanted to have faith like Nephi, the Brother-of-Jared, and so many others that didn't waiver. But whether we have perfect faith and hope or not, one day we will see the answer to those questions that are so hard to understand now.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Doesn't this remind you of Mark chapter 4? When the Lord calmed the seas. I've always loved that story. If the waves of the sea know who Christ is and obey him, shouldn't I too? Even when it's tough? Maybe I need to be like the sea more often and just BE STILL.

Not only was the music absolutely beautiful and the words inspiring, but there was icing on the cake. Have you ever noticed the scriptures at the bottom of hymns? I don't look at them very often, but I decided to look them up this time. What GREAT scriptures!

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the Lord, and do good....Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass....Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him...wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth."

Doctrine and Covenants 101:14, 16, 36-38

"And all they who have mourned shall be comforted....all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.
"Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life."

And to top it all off, even the talks went along with this personal spiritual feast I experienced.

One of the speakers said these words:

Have faith in the future

Where the Lord will take us will be better than where we've been.

I felt so blessed that the Lord would allow me to learn such wonderful things. I'm glad I was willing to listen and worthy to hear.

Learning in Unexpected Ways

Sometimes it is the lack of what we desire that teaches us the lesson we need.

I have spent my entire life taking care of children, studying the development of children, and working with children. I was so sure by this time in my life I would have children of my own.

However, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, has not seen fit that my husband and I be blessed with children yet. The last few months I have had the opportunity to pray more fervently, study the scriptures more carefully, and come closer to the Lord as I have sought to know his will concerning our desire to have a family. I have learned many things, none of which have been an answer as to why we don’t have children yet.

I have learned to TRULY have faith (which I am always praying for more of). I have learned what HOPE is. I have learned to have more empathy for others. I have learned about, studied and ached with some of the women in the Old Testament that also had difficulty having children: Sara, Rachel, Rebekah and Hannah. Each of these women had the same desire I have: to raise righteous children unto the Lord.

In the last few months I have grown so much! That doesn’t mean I don’t have my occasional breakdowns, but I am actually glad to have this struggle. I am glad I have become closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior, glad to progress in the Lord's gospel and glad that I have the opportunity to learn these lessons that will help me be a better mother.

During these months of studying I have come across this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that has become one of my new favorites:

"We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

(This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, CES Fireside, September 2004)

This is what I am striving to do daily, and I know with the Lord's help I can.