Be Still My Soul--part 2

This post was inspired by Elise's post on January 23rd.  I was really touched by Elise's application of the hymn "Be Still My Soul."  As I read her words, I was reminded of a few scriptures that relate:

"Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake, to guide the future as He has the past."
     In my times of trial, it helps me to remember that God has never forsaken me in the past.  It helps me to think of specific times in my life when I thought all was lost, but in retrospect, I can see that God was there all along.  This is one of the reasons I love journaling.  As I read my old journals, I am amazed to see how God worked things out for me.  In the Book of Mormon, Nephi also relied on the past in order to maintain his faith in the present:
1 Nephi 4:-1-2:  “And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground, and the armies of Pharaoh did follow and were drowned in the waters of the Red Sea.”

Because he knew the scriptures, Nephi was able to draw strength from the story of Moses and the deliverance of the children of Isreal.  Similarly, we can draw strength from stories in the scriptures, church history, family history, or even our own part.  If God guided His children in the past, He will surely guide them today.  If God guided me in the past, He will surely guide me in my current trials.

"Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last.  Be still my soul, the waves and winds still know, His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below."


The reference in the hymn to "waves and winds" remind me of something I noticed in my reading of the New Testament.  Several accounts in the NT tell of Jesus walking across the Sea of Galilee to reach his frightened apostles in the midst of a storm. In Mark 6:47-51, it says: “And when evening was come, the ship [of the disciples] was in the midst of the sea, and [Jesus] was alone on the land. And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea...He talked with them, and saith unto them, ‘Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.’ And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased...”

It’s so interesting to me that Jesus stood on the shore watching the disciples struggling and toiling before he intervened and calmed the storm. He was there all along, watching over them, but they didn’t know it. This has so many parallels to my life experiences and my frustration with years of infertility. Christ doesn’t always immediately calm my storms just because I want Him to. He often waits until the “fourth watch,” meaning that I often have to struggle and toil for a long time before He lightens my burdens. Nevertheless, He is always there, “on the shoreline,” watching over and protecting me in the midst of my storms.

Wait on the Lord

I have never liked waiting--nor have I been good at it--yet I find myself waiting a lot these days.

Most of all, I am waiting to rock a baby to sleep in my arms and sing lullabies and wipe tears and calm tantrums until we get pregnant or get chosen for an adoption.
I don't think anyone can escape this life without having to, at some point, wait for something that they really really want.  A child, a job, a cure, a loved one's change of heart...a spouse.

Several of my best friends are not married.  They'd like to be.  A few of them appear to be on their way (very serious boyfriends); others have suffered recent disappointments.  They are beautiful, kind, intelligent, and talented.  They are spiritual, selfless, funny, and capable.

And yet they wait.  They wait and hope and work for something that is almost entirely out of their control.

A phrase that has fascinated me in my recent scripture study is "waiting on the Lord."  One thing that I love about online scriptures is that I can type in a search term and easily read all of the references that relate to my query. 

When I enter "wait on the Lord," I get 47 results, and I have thought about many of those verses at different moments in the last few months. 

Lately, I have been thinking about this one:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Waiting for our baby is the hardest thing I've ever done, and sometimes I wonder if I can continue doing it.  I need the Lord to "renew [my] strength."  I need Him to help me "mount up with wings as eagles," so I can see a view of my life from a higher, more eternal perspective and feel the exhilaration of His love.  I need Him to help me run this endurance race "and not be weary...and not faint." 

We are all waiting for something.  We've been promised that we can bear it.  Sometimes I'm not so sure...but then I remember these scriptures, and I remember...

We can do it.

"He is building up a palace..."

Just when I needed it, a friend sent me this quote by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace. He intends to come and live in it himself.”

Peace that passeth all understanding

I had a rough week last week...sometimes that happens with no real explanation as to why.  I felt sorry for myself and wondered why my husband and I don't have children yet.  I prayed and asked God what I should do.

My answer came in the Palmyra Temple.  I was reading the Bible, and I came across this passage in Philippians.  As I read it, I was amazed how each verse built on the next and spoke to me clearly about our current situation:

6 Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

     *The footnote here said, "Don't be unduly concerned about anything."  The verse seemed to be saying to me, "Don't stress too much about not having a baby yet.  Just pray and thank God for your blessings and tell Him what you want, and then trust Him."

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

     *This is one of my all-time favorite verses of scripture.  It describes perfectly the uncanny peace that I felt when my mom passed away when I was a teenager.  How could I be feeling peace during the worst days of my life? It didn't make any sense.  But this verse explains that God's peace "passeth understanding"--it doesn't always seem possible or reasonable.  Yet, this peace guards or "keeps" our hearts and enables us to bear even the most difficult challenges in life.  Through Him, I can feel peace, even with infertility.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there by any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

     *I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my desperate desire for a child.  It can become consuming.  I sometimes compare myself to other people and think, "We are the only married couple in Ryan's dental class that still doesn't have children" or "I can't believe that she got pregnant her first month of trying," etc.  This kind of thinking is not helpful.  It only leads to unfounded bitterness and discouragement.  This verse reminded me that, instead, I need to "think on things" that are uplifting and lovely.  I need to have hope.

9  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and hear, and seen in me, do; and the God of peace shall be with you.

     *This scripture seemed like a simple instruction: Keep doing what you know is right.  Don't become paralyzed by discouragement or self-pity.  Push along.  Be obedient. Keep trying, keep serving, keep praying.  God will be with you.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, there with to be content.

     *Rachel, be content.  Be happy.  You have a wonderful life.  Enjoy it.  Sleep in on a Saturday morning (you won't be doing that once you have kids!); go for a late-night run with Ryan (again, not really possible with a newborn); go on a romantic dinner date or a spur-of-the-moment road trip (hard to pull off with kids).  This is a good stage of life--so savor it.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

     *The final line of this passage is obviously the most important: I can do and bear anything through Jesus Christ.  He has been strengthening me through this difficult trial.

Wait on the Lord

Rachel is one of the inspiring women I know. I have taken excerpts from a post on her personal blog. To read the entire entry you can go here.

I am a woman of many words. I love to talk, I love to write, I love to express, I love to communicate. I feel that in order to truly understand the things that are most important to me, I must verbalize and record them.

So why is it so hard for me to capture in words all that I have learned and experienced in the past few months?

I sit down, and I try to write blog posts or journal entries...and I just can’t do it. It’s not that it is too sad or too hard for me—it’s just that I don’t have the words. I have learned so much more than I can possibly verbalize in one sitting. I feel like it will come out little by little over the months and years.

We had a particularly tough week [recently]. I was getting discouraged about myself...and a little angry with God.... Life didn’t feel fair.

I often wonder what that phrase means—“the way that they were supposed to.” How much of our lives are planned/controlled by God? How much does He mean to happen, and how much does He just allow to happen? I know that we all have free will and agency, so it’s not like He dictates exactly what we are going to do.... He has the ability and desire to help everything work out for the best. He can take an experience that could be considered a trial and turn it into a blessing for all involved. That is the power of His Atonement.

One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”

God may not have intended for me to have fertility problems, but He has promised that He will work it out for me somehow so that it will be for my good and so that I will still be able to fulfill my calling as a mother....I [have] felt that truth settle on me, and I’ve felt an uncanny peace in the weeks that have followed. Sure, I’ve had a few meltdowns (just ask Ryan), but for the most part, something inside of me is saying, “It’s all going to be okay, Rachel. Just hang on.”

I am proud to say that I am learning. By nature, I am a control freak. I am impatient. I am used to working for what I want. I must say that as much as this experience hurts me, it is good for me. I can feel myself changing.

Which leads me to my last religious thought for the day. (Well, at least my last religious thought to be shared on a public blog.) In Psalms 27:14, we are promised, “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

I am waiting. And He is strengthening me.