Not the Only One

I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.

I wanted to share my thoughts on Mother's Day. I have been pondering a lot today on those years of trying to celebrate this holiday without children. It's tough--I would try to be optimistic and believe in words of Sheri Dew (thanks, Elise), but at the same time I would feel stupid when people would say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. But even though this day is a very important and special holiday, it is also just a day. And even though we put extra emphasis on mothers once a year, we are ALL given the responsibility to mother ALL the time. And that should be our highest aspiration whether we have children or not. Motherhood is not something that is given to us. It is our eternal make up and fiber.
I feel guilty from time to time for not getting a full time job while I was married with no kids. I admire those women who do. But I already had too much on my personal plate so I didn't go there. But I definitely still had a job--I was the nurturer in my home. That doesn't ever go away or change. We are unique and different as women. But the very things that make us unique are also the very things that make us the same--we are given gifts to develop that can help each other and the world--but most importantly we are given gifts to nurture our souls well enough that we can be effective mothers. Any time I feel like I am having a hard time, and am less than patient with people, it is because I have forgotten to remember what it is that I am supposed to be focusing on. The manifestation of our mothering is vastly individual. But the calling is the same. And I'm grateful for that.
All of this preamble has led up to what I really want to share. And that is that during my infertile years, we started a tradition in our family. Each Mother's Day, my husband gives me a priesthood blessing.  And despite the fact that I have received many answers to prayer and received many blessings--these are the ones that continue to bless and sustain me the most. It is clear that Heavenly Father knows my inner most soul. And whether I have had to wait longer for children or not, the increased feeling of love in my life is significant because of this tradition. So no matter your own unique situation, I highly recommend beginning your own spiritual tradition surrounding this day. I know it will bless you like it has blessed me. Happy Mother's Day! 

For Me

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately. I have wanted to write something that would help others realize how my path of infertility has helped me. And encourage others to be hopeful about their trials. I just prayed for 3 specific couples to be able to have children. But then I realized that I didn't pray for myself-because I have kids and don't other people need them more? But the stark realization is that my infertility is not over just because I have had some success. I am still on the path and I am still not sure where that path is going to lead. When I comforted someone this week about her infertility, wasn't I also comforting myself about the reality that I may be in her shoes again sooner than later?

But there is a difference this time-- At a recent stake conference, a sister bore beautiful testimony about feeling like broken glass. And how she really couldn't see how the pieces could ever fit together again. But then she saw a stained glass window and it all made sense. She is not put together the way she thought, but all of her broken pieces have been fit together to make a whole that is more than she ever thought it could be.

It hit me that this is exactly what my experience with infertility is about. I look at my twins and it's easy to think that they are the end result. That they are the miracle. But that's not the whole story. The real miracle is that because of the hard time I had to get them--I grew to trust God with my life. (not that I do ALL the time). And so now, when I have to face the unknown again--the miracle is still there. The trust is still there. That no matter what the end result is (0, 1, or more kids) the miracle has already happened--the stained glass is being put together. The picture may not be what I planned--but the artist has a better plan anyway. And if I get broken again--I know exactly who will be fitting the pieces together.

Remembering Mercy

I have been seriously pondering what I wanted to write about in this post. It's such a huge task to put onto words how I feel about my infertility. About it in the past, present and future. Because even though I am now a mother-I can't just forget or erase the 5 years when I wasn't. And the 5 years that absolutely made me who I am in every way. And the years ahead are still cloudy--more children? when? how? how many?

And more importantly-how do I put into words how I have come to trust the Savior? And to face the question-do I trust Him? Did I learn enough? Or have I already forgotten the miraculous ways that He wiped away my tears and gave me peace/gives me peace.

And so I have been remembering. The times of sorrow are definitely there. The times that I wept sore. The doctor's visits that just left me feeling empty and used. But those are not the times that occupy my brain for the most part. Because at the forefront are the tender mercies. I have come to realize that those really are a gift. Because I definitely do not do my part to receive them. I don't pray as earnestly as I should. And I complain a lot more than most people. But they are there anyway. And over time, there have been enough of them that the result is also a gift. It's a gift of faith. And because of that faith I have been able to miraculously quiet tears. And pray more earnestly. And enjoy life more. And because of my experiences in the past, I have more hope for the future. The answers to the questions are not nearly as important as who is answering them. And even though His answers are sometimes heartbreaking, and confusing and not what we want-they are His. And I have come to trust that despite everything, they will come.

"Thou art merciful, O God, for thou hast heard my prayer, even when I was in the wilderness; yea, thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my field; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me. And again, O God, when I did turn to my house thou didst hear me in my prayer. And when I did turn unto my closet, O Lord, and prayed unto thee, thou didst hear me. Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them." Alma 33:5-8

It Really Is a Wonderful Life

I was recently reading through some old blog posts of some amazing women and came across this one.

It was a great reminder to me that life really is wonderful!

...Even when things aren't going how we planned.

Years ago a friend of mine posted these words on her blog:

This year, September 1, marks 3 years of infertility for Ryan and me. However, instead of being sad and full of self-pity I have instead decided to focus on blessings. I have a dear niece who is turning 8 this year. I was told recently that during one family prayer she said something to the effect of: "Please bless Uncle Ryan and Aunt Amy that they can have a baby. But if they can't, please help them know that they still have us."

During this month of thanks I have been pondering about the great support of our family and friends. I have a hard time talking about our struggles openly, and usually don't, but I know many of them are aware of our situation and pray for us. I have been so touched as I've thought about the kind and selfless hearts of our family and friends. This is one of the Lord's tender mercies that has brought me comfort and peace.

And that knowledge makes this life a wonderful one!