"I know exactly how you feel"

I remember being in the depths of our infertility and a couple ladies that were aware of our situation stating "I know exactly how you feel".  And I HATED it!  I remember thinking, "you don't  know how I feel.  Even if you can sympathize, your situation is not exactly the same as mine".  I knew others that were struggling like we were and we would talk about our frustrations, but those friends didn't pretend to be feeling the exact same thing as me.  They were just supportive and loving.

 

I came across this article today.  I realize that much of it is preaching to the choir, but its nice to remember we're not alone in our feelings and frustrations and our hope.  It reminded me that everyone's situation and path to parenthood is different.  Its through prayer with the Lord that we find His purpose for us.

 

(See the original article here)

 

 

So When You Gonna have Kids?

Posted by Douglas

A “late start” on The Timeline

I was 31 when I got married, my wife 28- much later than the typical “Utah County Mormon” timeline. We’d each heard “when ya gonna get married?” plenty of times, as if choosing a spouse is like buying a car. Just go find one you like and sign the papers. Done.

But finally, sweet tender mercies, we found each other, got married, and started our life together in Lehi, Utah.

About a month later we saw my friend Adam and his wife in the produce section of the supermarket.

“Have you read the book we gave you yet?” Adam asked.
“Not yet.”
“Read it. Read it together! It’s thought provoking, and will do wonders for your relationship.”
“Will do. I’ll let you know what we think.”
“So when you gonna have kids?” He asked.

And I’m serious. That was literally his next question. We’d only been married a month. He knew that because he had gone to our reception.

I paused for a second.
“Oh, I don’t know Adam… Hopefully 9 months from this morning.” Followed by a sideways smile, winks, and a couple of those awkward fake elbow motions towards my wife’s ribcage.
It totally caught my wife off guard, and she stammered out an embarrassed comment–probably apologetic or something. We all got a good laugh, parted ways, and wished each other well.

That was the first time I realized that within the Mormon community, the you-need-to-follow-the-timeline question of “So, when you gonna get married”, had simply been replaced with “When you gonna have kids?” But we didn’t care. We were newlyweds. Plus, I was the last of 9 kids to get married, and ALL of my siblings were married with kids…so it was only natural to hear that question 10 times or so at family gatherings. We took it in stride because we knew everyone meant well, even though we laughed at how really personal that question was (more on that later).

We had fun with The Question–developing several replies:

1. The Fake Argument: “I don’t know, maybe when SOMEONE decides he is ready to be a FATHER.” followed by, “Well maybe SOMEBODY should start cleaning up after herself!”
2. The Worldly Answer: “Maybe after we save up enough money for a boat.”
3. The Shock the Asker Answer: “Meh… Hopefully never. We don’t like kids.”
4. The Intimate make-everyone-uncomfortable Answer: “Hopefully 9-months from this morning… eh? Eh? (wink wink)

She’s ready. I’m not.

Six months into our marriage, my wife wanted to start trying. But I wasn’t ready yet. I felt like we should wait a bit. My wife didn’t completely understand why I wanted to wait, so this lead to some minor disagreements. “When you gonna have kids?” transformed from silly question to something personal and invasive. When asked, I was reminded of how I was the one getting in the way, holding things up, whereas if my wife were to be asked–she’d think about how she was ready and I wasn’t.

After 1 year of marriage, I jumped on board, and we officially “started trying”.

A few months go by, and my wife still isn’t pregnant. Maybe because we were getting The Question so often, or maybe we felt some pressure because we got what our local society had deemed to be a “late start”, but for whatever reason, we felt incredibly impatient. We tried all the timing methods, but nothing happened. So we saw a doctor who told us some statistics about conception which calmed us down quite a bit. Basically, if everything is working right, you still only have (around) 20% chance of getting pregnant even if everything is timed perfectly. (I can’t remember the exact percentage, but it was along those lines). The woman who gets pregnant from the first attempt is actually an anomaly not the norm. The doctor told us to relax and continue trying, but that after 8 more months we still weren’t pregnant, then we would do some tests.

After a year of trying

A year flew by, and my wife was still not pregnant. We’d been married for 2 years, and had been asked The Question seemingly thousands of times. It was now a reminder of the disappointment we felt each month. We stopped having as much fun with the answers, and would say things like “As soon as Mother Nature cooperates”, or “As soon as God wants us to” with an almost resigned nature.

My wife’s sister, who got married within a few weeks of us, was pregnant for the second time. I think from washing their clothes together or something, they are seriously that fertile. My wife’s friends seemed to all be getting pregnant with ease. It seemed our whole neighborhood was pregnant. As Mormons, we are very family oriented–and having kids was a big part of that. We didn’t want to miss out.

I remember one time a woman in the ward we barely knew was talking to my wife:

Lady we barely knew: “When you going to have kids?”
My wife: “Well, we’re trying…”
Lady we barely knew: “Wait, how old are you?”
My wife: “Uh… 30?”
Lady we barely knew: “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

My wife told me about it after church, shaking her head a little that someone would treat the age of 30 as the age of barrenness.

A word on procreation and family planning

Let’s take a break from my story and think about how personal the subject of family planning is:

Procreation itself not only involves the highest level of intimacy and the most private of private parts, but all kinds of other highly personal factors. From the very painful ones such as infertility, impotence, or miscarriages, to awkward topics like finances, or perhaps the contention that could arise from one spouse being super ready while the other is dragging their feet. We’ve all heard that each couple has that one recurring argument–and differing priorities on family planning can be one of the most sensitive and raw arguments a couple can have.

Getting the test results

After 2 years of trying with no success, we did what we were nervous to do, started getting tested.

Not long after, we were told the news we’d been dreading–though not necessarily the way we thought it would come. I was completely infertile. As in ZERO. I emphasize zero because some men can have a low count… mine was zero.

I was devastated.

It was like someone had punched me in the solar plexus, and not only knocked the wind out of me, but had injected my entire body with an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. My wife was in tears as she told me the results. I just remember feeling like my face was literally numb. I also remember trying to snap out of it, and made this hollow attempt at putting on a brave face. It was awful.

Shortly after that, we went to a Urologist that supposedly specialized in fertility issues, so we could get a bigger picture. He sent his assistant in to tell the news at first, but I insisted on hearing directly from him. So he came in begrudgingly and sat across that poorly lit room and told me I had “testicular failure”, and it was irreversible. I remember facing that Urologist trying to keep eye contact as if to show I could handle it, as bit by bit I felt my masculinity peeling away. 3 years before that, I’d been diagnosed with low Testosterone–and this visit had completed the trifecta of “Worst News for Guys”: Low Testosterone, Testicular Failure, and Sterility. Awesome. I felt like my last shred of manliness melted in the room of that Urologist. It was all I could do to keep from crying like a little boy. My wife described it much later as watching in horror as she could see my soul absolutely crushed.

I kept asking what our options were, and he said “Adoption or a donor. A donor is the cheapest way to go. But just never tell your kid or anyone else. Take it to the grave.”

We didn’t know what to think. So we didn’t discuss it at all for several months. As in, at all. We didn’t even mention it. A Molotov Cocktail had been thrown at our “Plan”–completely destroying it, and the despair was too heavy to discuss making a new one. We dove into every form of distraction possible, retreating into our self protection zone–we traveled, we worked, we hung out with friends… we never talked about having a baby.

At this point, “When you gonna have kids” became very painful to hear. As did some children references at church–the testimonies about having children, and being blessed with children, and how happy they are and how much God loves them because of the children they were sent, etc etc…. (I wish I was kidding about that last point) And now, it seemed like those talks and testimonies happened all the time. Kind of like when you have a sunburn and everyone seems to want to pat you on the back. This sunburn just stung of inadequacy. Church became a big source of pain and insensitivity at times.

We were super private about what was happening, so no one around us knew that when they were asking The Question, they were reminding us of something that could potentially never be. It took me about a year to become ok with the idea of using a donor for my side. Don’t ask me why it took me that long, it just did. It just felt weird, and when it comes to fertility, infertility, family planning, etc–there are all kinds of emotions that express themselves differently for each person. A few days after we started shopping for a donor, my wife was hospitalized for severe abdominal pain. Ultrasounds revealed an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit.

Emergency surgery.

After the surgery, the doctor showed me the photos. Endometriosis. Bad. As in, so bad, the ovaries were almost destroyed, but not removed in case there was a chance they could still function. But he warned me that my wife had a very slim chance of ever having a child of her own, due to how bad the Endometriosis had gotten, and how bad the damage had been.

All this time I’d been the infertile partner in our marriage, and now it was likely the two of us. Our backup plan of using a donor was eliminated. Scratched off the list of possibilities.

The fragile walls I had built up as a coping mechanism came crashing down. Obliterated. And we went through an even more hopeless time. Fortunately, this wouldn’t last as long.

Let’s take another break from my story to make the final point to my post:

As I’ve said, family planning is super personal. And infertility is massively painful. Just remember that asking someone you don’t know too well about when they are going to have kids is far more personal than asking how much credit card debt they have. You have no idea what the couple is going through in that area of their lives.

My suggestions?

1. Don’t ask. It’s frankly none of your business. It’s as personal as asking how often they make love, and you’d never dream of asking that question. So don’t ask, let them bring it up if it comes up.
2. The culture within the church needs to change to be mindful of those who might possibly be in your group or congregation who are struggling with infertility. So don’t ever make statements that may make those with fertility issues feel excluded. “Unless you have a child of your own, you’ll NEVER understand the true love of a child” (true story). “Until you’re pregnant, you’ll never understand what it means to truly bond with your child…” etc etc–because maybe someone in that group just got the news that they will NEVER get pregnant. Just remember, not everyone is following your timeline, and not everyone CAN follow your timeline–but would love to.
3. If you find out that someone is struggling with infertility, please please please love them with everything you got. Hug them if you can. Cry with them if you can. A dream of theirs just got shattered and taken away. Yes, there’s adoption, but let them accept that later on. Be with them NOW, as if they’d just lost a loved one. Trust me, whatever brave face they are showing you is trying to hide some serious pain of all kinds.

Epilogue to my story:

Here is where I give mad props to my wife. She did not give up. After seeing about 6 different doctors, she still researched until she found a specialist in male infertility up at the U of U (Named Dr Meikle–not sure if he’s still practicing, but I highly recommend him if he is). We scheduled an appt, and we tentatively went to see him. At this point, I’d been on Androgel for low testosterone for 4 years. He took me off it right away. Said that in some rare cases, that can kill sperm count. He took some other measurements too, and found that other things were high that should have been lower. He warned me that going off artificial Testosterone would make me “feel lousy”, which was the biggest understatement of the year–but that’s a story for another time.

The entire process of working with Dr Meikle took about 9 months. This involved going off Androgel for a few months, having bloodwork done, going on other medications, having bloodwork done etc.

At the end of all of this I got measured again for swimmers…. which timeline-wise, was about a month after my wife’s surgery where we found out her ovaries were destroyed.

I was producing normal…. 106 million. So my body was all systems go. Now it was my wife’s turn to get bloodwork done, dye tests, more bloodwork, etc. Miraculously, in the middle of all of these tests, my wife became pregnant. With mine and her genetics, totally natural. We were ECSTATIC to say the least! We had a boy 7 months later (he came a little early) and named him Matthew–which means “Gift from God”. I’m actually hesitant to include that, because remember wondering why God would bless others with children and not us, but we would have named him that regardless of how he came into our lives–adoption, a donor, 2 donors, etc.

17 months later, Matthew’s little sister arrived. We’re now a family of 4.

I don’t attempt to speak for all issues that can cause infertility. There are dozens of potential causes. In our specific example, it was the medication Androgel that I used (don’t ask me why at least 6 different doctors, including specialists, saw that on my chart and didn’t take me off of it) which told my pituitary to stop producing testosterone and dropped my count to zero.

And I know that our total of 4 years of trying, and 3-ish of thinking we were infertile pales in comparison to what others have gone through.

But the pain is very real. It’s crushing, discouraging, disheartening pain…. and if anyone reading this is going through the pain of infertility I just want you to know you are loved, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. I feel for you. It’s an awful feeling, and I pray for peace for you to get through it.

As I get to know more and more women that have experienced some type of infertility it is interesting to see how the Lord works so different in each situation. 

Each couple has their own unique experience and each couple has the opportunity to turn to the Lord and become closer to him. 

This month is national adoption month.  I have known many great women and families that have been led to adoption and their families have been greatly blessed because of it. 

Rachel, who has posted on this blog, is dedicating this month to share about her experience in adoption and to answer anyone's questions about the process.  Through their long process she had to rely and trust in the Lord.  I wanted to post a few of her words here.  If you want to read more or ask her questions, check out her blog.

I cannot stop thinking about babies. I am not tormented or depressed (most of the time), but it is just something that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart all day every day. What does God want for our family? Does he want us to adopt a special needs baby through an agency called Spence Chapin? Are we up for the challenge? Does he want us to stick it out with LDS Family Services? Does he want us to try harder for biological children, putting my body through the more intense fertility treatments that I am dreading? Does He care which path we take? I feel these nagging questions all the time, even when I am working on something else. When I’m grading papers, when I’m running on a treadmill…even when I’m sleeping. I can’t help but dream different scenarios of how we will get our baby.

I have never prayed so much in my life. I feel like prayers are inseparably woven into all of my thoughts these days. “What should we do? Please guide us Heavenly Father.” It’s like a refrain that plays in my mind all day long. And every morning and every night, I get on my knees and beg for guidance.

I remember feeling very similar thoughts and feelings.  As I read these words from Rachel and applied it to myself, I couldn't help but think that maybe sometimes we're not waiting on the Lord, the Lord is waiting on us.  He's waiting for us to have that complete reliance on him.  That continual prayer.  He wants us to learn to be that close with him every day, all the time.  Sometimes we have to learn it through hard things, but that's what helps us to learn and grow.

Waiting upon the Lord

Have I ever mentioned how much strength the words of prophets give me? Whenever I am discouraged or overwhelmed or sad I open my scriptures, listen to or read a conference talk. Most of the time I would rather just sit in self pity, but I'm always so glad when I choose to read the words of wise men because I feel better without fail.

On one of these occasions I was listening to Elder Robert D. Hales give a talk during the Sunday morning session of conference. It was titled:

Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done.

You can't get the full effect of his talk unless you read it in it's entirety but I did want to share some of my favorite quotes from his talk.

"Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'...Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.'

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the wordwait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often 'here a little and there a little' because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

"We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

"His blessings are eternal not temporary." What a great reminder as I wait upon the Lord.

You can also read this previous post about waiting on the Lord.

Where is Your Faith?

Did you get a chance to listen to the LDS General Conference at the beginning of October? If not you can listen to it or read it here.

There were so many inspiring and uplifting words spoken. One talk in particular stood out to me. It was given by Elder Neil L. Anderson.

He spoke about families and having children. It was a great reminder to me that no couple has the same experience with starting a family. His story of the couple that didn't have the opportunity to adopt until they were well into their 40's reminded me of something a friend once said to me.

"It's my experience that no one gets pregnant when/how they want to. It's either too quickly or not soon enough.."

I was just talking to a friend about her adoption process. She told me about support classes she and her husband went to. At these groups every couple was in a different situation. Some couples had already adopted children, some couples had children naturally but for various reason could no longer have children of their own. Other couples had never had the chance to have children yet.

It was just another example of how unique all of our situations are.

I also loved Elder Anderson's quote from President Kimball, "Where is your faith?". Whether it's a couple that wants children and it is taking a long time to receive them or a couple that can have children but isn't sure they're ready for them, the question is the same, "Where is your faith?". Do we believe that when the Lord speaks to us he will be true to his word. Do we remember Abraham and many other righteous individuals in the scriptures who were required to wait patiently on the Lord for the blessing of children?

Although no one on earth can fully comprehend another's situation, there is one that not only understands our situation, but knows how it will end.

Elder Anderson closed his talk with this promise:

"As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: 'Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.'”

"Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit."

I know the Lord loves me and is aware of my desires. I know he will bless me.

So I have to ask myself the question:

Do I TRUST Him enough?

The Lord's Tender Mercies

I am always amazed at how the Lord blesses our lives. If we aren't careful we may not notice or, even worse, choose not to accept his blessing. I have come to relate these frequent blessings as "tender mercies" as it has been referred to in scriptures and talks.

I like what Elder Bednar said about tender mercies in a General Conference talk:

"...the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

Just over a year ago I was thinking about my life situation. My husband had met a good friend at school whose wife had very similar experiences as me. We soon became each other's comfort and I shared things with her that I didn't share with anyone else. We would often talk about our woes and how hard it was to accept the fact that we were not yet mothers. It was such a comfort having someone that could empathize with me.

Meeting her was tender mercy number one.

During one of our many discussions we talked about the difficulty of knowing that friends and family were pregnant when we were waiting so long, wanted to be so badly, but weren't; and how hard it is to be happy for someone you love when you are aching so much inside.

I hadn't experienced this with too many loved ones yet. For one thing, I was the first of my friends to be married. However, three of my closest friends had just gotten married and I knew sooner or later they would be starting their families whether or not my husband and I had children of our own yet. I wanted desperately to be happy for them and not bitter that I, who had been married much longer, was not.

I began to pray for peace.

The Lord soon blessed me with peace and a month or so later I got a call from one of my dear friends telling me she was pregnant. I was honestly so happy for her. I felt no sadness for myself, just happiness for my friend. A day or two later I found out another dear friend was pregnant and again I felt just happiness and joy. Within the coming months it was announced that all three of my married sister-in-laws were pregnant. With each announcement I felt genuine joy and happiness for them and only continued peace for me.

Peace was tender mercy number two.

During the Summer my husband and I decided to take some extra measures to try to get pregnant. We set a goal to do our part to draw on the powers of heaven and leave the rest up to the Lord. We set these goals for a certain amount of months and decided if nothing happened by then, we would take a break. As it came to the last month of our goal I felt as though our desire of becoming pregnant was not meant to happen at that time but that the Lord would bless us when the time was right. The inspiration I received was correct and we did not become pregnant. I was thankful that the Lord allowed me time to prepare myself for the outcome.

Being prepared was tender mercy number three.

How grateful I am for these mercies I have been blessed with. I can't help but wonder:

What if I chose not to open up to my friend? No comfort would have been felt.

What if I didn't notice the peace I felt and chose to feel bitter and unhappy anyway when I found out the happy news of friends and family? No peace would have been experienced.

And what if I was unwilling to accept the idea that this righteous goal that my husband and I had worked, prayed and exercised faith in for so long wasn't going to be fulfilled? Disappointment and a heartbreak would have been suffered.

Instead of sorrow the Lord blessed me with comfort, peace and a prepared heart.

How can I express my gratitude towards the Lord for his tender mercies?

I feel an echo of these words:

And they "did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them"

(Ether 6:12)

Be Still, My Soul

Last Sunday this hymn was played in church as a beautiful musical number. It's always been one of my favorites.

As my husband and I sat together listening, I found added strength and comfort in the words.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Patience. What a hard thing to learn. I used to think I was patient, but the older I get the more I realize I'm just not. This is by far the hardest thing. Especially because when we think we've been patient plenty long, it's just the beginning for the Lord.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

This reminds me of a scripture (I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say).
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. He'll take care of me. As long as I do my part, He'll give me all that I need and then some more...ALWAYS.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I had a professor that called those thorny ways "Celestial Stress". Look at any great person you know and you'll see some extremely hard trials that they went through and those trials are what made them great. So whenever I'm faced with something difficult I try to remember to ask myself: "What am I suppose to learn from and gain from this experience?" I know that the Lord cares for me more than anyone else. Because of this, I also know that if I stay close to the Lord I will come out of it a better person and more joyful because I am that much closer to Him.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.

I know this is true but I always need to be reminded of it during tough times. I KNOW that the Lord has ALWAYS taken care of me in the past. EVERY trouble I have had, he has guided me and it has worked for my good. My husband is so good to remember this and sometimes needs to gently remind me when I'm having a rough day.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

It can be really hard to keep constant hope. I remember one night breaking down and crying to my husband (and later to the Lord). I told him how badly I wanted to have faith like Nephi, the Brother-of-Jared, and so many others that didn't waiver. But whether we have perfect faith and hope or not, one day we will see the answer to those questions that are so hard to understand now.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Doesn't this remind you of Mark chapter 4? When the Lord calmed the seas. I've always loved that story. If the waves of the sea know who Christ is and obey him, shouldn't I too? Even when it's tough? Maybe I need to be like the sea more often and just BE STILL.

Not only was the music absolutely beautiful and the words inspiring, but there was icing on the cake. Have you ever noticed the scriptures at the bottom of hymns? I don't look at them very often, but I decided to look them up this time. What GREAT scriptures!

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the Lord, and do good....Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass....Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him...wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth."

Doctrine and Covenants 101:14, 16, 36-38

"And all they who have mourned shall be comforted....all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.
"Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life."

And to top it all off, even the talks went along with this personal spiritual feast I experienced.

One of the speakers said these words:

Have faith in the future

Where the Lord will take us will be better than where we've been.

I felt so blessed that the Lord would allow me to learn such wonderful things. I'm glad I was willing to listen and worthy to hear.

Peace that passeth all understanding

I had a rough week last week...sometimes that happens with no real explanation as to why.  I felt sorry for myself and wondered why my husband and I don't have children yet.  I prayed and asked God what I should do.

My answer came in the Palmyra Temple.  I was reading the Bible, and I came across this passage in Philippians.  As I read it, I was amazed how each verse built on the next and spoke to me clearly about our current situation:

6 Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

     *The footnote here said, "Don't be unduly concerned about anything."  The verse seemed to be saying to me, "Don't stress too much about not having a baby yet.  Just pray and thank God for your blessings and tell Him what you want, and then trust Him."

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

     *This is one of my all-time favorite verses of scripture.  It describes perfectly the uncanny peace that I felt when my mom passed away when I was a teenager.  How could I be feeling peace during the worst days of my life? It didn't make any sense.  But this verse explains that God's peace "passeth understanding"--it doesn't always seem possible or reasonable.  Yet, this peace guards or "keeps" our hearts and enables us to bear even the most difficult challenges in life.  Through Him, I can feel peace, even with infertility.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there by any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

     *I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my desperate desire for a child.  It can become consuming.  I sometimes compare myself to other people and think, "We are the only married couple in Ryan's dental class that still doesn't have children" or "I can't believe that she got pregnant her first month of trying," etc.  This kind of thinking is not helpful.  It only leads to unfounded bitterness and discouragement.  This verse reminded me that, instead, I need to "think on things" that are uplifting and lovely.  I need to have hope.

9  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and hear, and seen in me, do; and the God of peace shall be with you.

     *This scripture seemed like a simple instruction: Keep doing what you know is right.  Don't become paralyzed by discouragement or self-pity.  Push along.  Be obedient. Keep trying, keep serving, keep praying.  God will be with you.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, there with to be content.

     *Rachel, be content.  Be happy.  You have a wonderful life.  Enjoy it.  Sleep in on a Saturday morning (you won't be doing that once you have kids!); go for a late-night run with Ryan (again, not really possible with a newborn); go on a romantic dinner date or a spur-of-the-moment road trip (hard to pull off with kids).  This is a good stage of life--so savor it.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

     *The final line of this passage is obviously the most important: I can do and bear anything through Jesus Christ.  He has been strengthening me through this difficult trial.

Learning in Unexpected Ways

Sometimes it is the lack of what we desire that teaches us the lesson we need.

I have spent my entire life taking care of children, studying the development of children, and working with children. I was so sure by this time in my life I would have children of my own.

However, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, has not seen fit that my husband and I be blessed with children yet. The last few months I have had the opportunity to pray more fervently, study the scriptures more carefully, and come closer to the Lord as I have sought to know his will concerning our desire to have a family. I have learned many things, none of which have been an answer as to why we don’t have children yet.

I have learned to TRULY have faith (which I am always praying for more of). I have learned what HOPE is. I have learned to have more empathy for others. I have learned about, studied and ached with some of the women in the Old Testament that also had difficulty having children: Sara, Rachel, Rebekah and Hannah. Each of these women had the same desire I have: to raise righteous children unto the Lord.

In the last few months I have grown so much! That doesn’t mean I don’t have my occasional breakdowns, but I am actually glad to have this struggle. I am glad I have become closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior, glad to progress in the Lord's gospel and glad that I have the opportunity to learn these lessons that will help me be a better mother.

During these months of studying I have come across this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that has become one of my new favorites:

"We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

(This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, CES Fireside, September 2004)

This is what I am striving to do daily, and I know with the Lord's help I can.