I've been thinking a lot lately about how many people I know that have struggled with pregnancy. 

It's A LOT!

It's something that I'm hyper aware of.   What is interesting to me is that I know a large group of good couples that don't struggle to get pregnant with their first child, but have a hard time with their second or third. I have reflected on why so many good people have to wait to welcome children into their families when they have so much to offer as parents.

Many times I have felt like Hannah in the Old Testament.  Wanting a child so badly and being willing to offer the Lord anything in return.  And then I wonder.  Is that why so many good people struggle to have children?  Does the Lord want them to not just be good parents, but to commit to be the best parents?  We ARE in the last days and the Lord DOES need strong saints to lead his work.  Just about everyone I know that has a struggle to welcome children into their home (whether its getting pregnant or adopting. whether they wait 3 months or 18 years) has eventually been blessed with a child.  And then I remember Abraham and Sara. 

The Lord is aware of us.  He needs us to draw close to him and discover what he wants us to learn, and then TRUST him.

Seeing with Spiritual Eyes

Have you checked out the Women in the Scriptures blog yet?  You really should.  She has such wonderful insights about the amazing women we can read about in the scriptures.  Just recently she posted about Hagar.  It was very interesting but what I loved the most was this:

Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael with water and provisions but eventually they run out of water. When Hagar and Ishmael finally collapse from dehydration it is apparent that she believes she and her son are going to die. She can do little more than sit down and weep. Her situation looks desperate and bleak. She has lost everything, her home, her husband, and her comfort and security. She had endured fourteen years with Abraham and Sarah now only to have all the promises God made her die. One can only imagine that she felt utterly and completely alone as she prepared to die. This time not only can she not see the well, she doesn't think there even is a well.

Yet as she weeps God again visits her and this time he "opens up her eyes and she saw a well of water" (Gen 21:19). The water has been just below her the whole time, but she couldn't see it. It is a beautiful way for God to remind Hagar that He is indeed the "God who sees me" and that, even when it appears that there are no blessings to be had anywhere, that He knows what blessings await her.

Hagar's story has brought me a lot of peace in my life. I've found that in some of my hardest moments, the times when I feel like there is not a blessing to be found anywhere, that I have found myself repeatedly praying to God calling Him, like Hagar did, 'The God who sees me." God is referred to by many different names throughout the Bible, yet I think that name is my personal favorite. It brings me so much peace and reminds me that there is a God who knows what I am suffering-- even when no one else does. A God who hears my prayers and who can see the blessings that I am blinded to, either because they are so abundant or because they are yet to be.

Hagar's story is also a testament that God sees the suffering of women everywhere. There is not a woman on this earth who cries out in pain, disappointment, fear, or despair whose voice He does not hear and whose trials He does not see. They may not know Him, or even believe in Him, but they are His daughters-- his precious daughters-- and He will never leave them alone. God has a plan for each and every one of children. Trusting in Him, and having faith that we can not comprehend or understand all that God does, makes any amount of frustration, sorrow, disappointment, or pain bearable.

Just because we can't see the well of water, doesn't mean it isn't there.

We just need to have our spiritual eyes opened and have faith that God sees.

Maybe it sounds dramatic, but I remember being in the middle of wanting to get pregnant and feeling like it would never happen.  In fact, it was hard to see the blessings I was experiencing at the moment because of it.  I would sometimes wonder if I would ever have the opportunity to be a mother and wondered why it seemed like everyone around me was blessed with exactly what I wanted, except for me.
I liked this gentle reminder that our Father in Heaven DOES see us and DOES know us and if we look, we will find the well of water in our life. 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

This is a beautiful post written by Amy's husband.  You can read the original post here.

 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

So I’ve given some thought to what I want our kids to learn from me. And no matter how much I love politics, sports, travel, etc., I realize that’s not the most important thing I can teach them. So while I’ll probably still ramble on this blog periodically about the aforementioned subjects, I think there’s something more important I can leave with them. I want them to know of the experiences in my life that have let me know there is a God, and that He cares about us. So I’ll start posting stories, experiences, and life lessons I’ve picked up along the way, in the hopes that they’ll be useful to our kids. And if they help someone else along the way, all the better. And I figured what better place to start than the beginning…

Amy (to me, shortly after we got married): “We’re going to have trouble getting pregnant, so if we want kids in 2 years, we should stop birth control now so we can get all the unsuccessful trying out of the way so we’ll be ready to try fertility treatments in 2 years when we really want to have a baby.”

Me: “You’re crazy. We’re both perfectly healthy. Why would you think we’d have any problems getting pregnant?”

Amy: “I just know. I can feel it.”

Me: “That’s insane.”

Me: (to Amy, childless, and in a fertility clinic 4 years later) “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Unfortunately in-vitro’s a really pricey proposition, but it was our only chance of having a baby. My family was graciously willing to let our business go into debt to finance the attempt. So we decided to move forward, but with some obvious financial concerns. A few weeks later we got a letter from our business’ insurance company. It explained some Wall Street stock stuff that I didn’t understand. Apparently the company was going public. And because we had our little business policy with them, we were going to receive a lot of money: out of the blue, for doing nothing. Enough to pay for the in-vitro treatments in full. We thanked God for this great blessing, paid off the doctors, and gave it a shot. But the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were crushed, and weren’t sure if we could afford (financially or emotionally) to try again. But through blessings and spiritual promptings, God had promised us (after 4 ½ years of marriage) that this would finally be the year Amy got pregnant. She was scheduled to take the pregnancy test on December 22^nd. When the dividend check finally arrived from the insurance company, it was for $15,000 more than we were told to expect. Just enough to pay for another in-vitro attempt, that would finally prove successful. Amy and I have always followed the biblical counsel to pay tithing. Malachi 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse…” And the Lord goes on to include an amazing promise to those who pay tithing “… and prove me now herewith sayeth the Lord God of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of Heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” All our prayers and efforts had been in hopes of having a baby. And when we went in for the ultrasound and saw our two babies for the first time, we were brought to our knees by the Lord’s goodness. He didn’t give us what we wanted. He gave us so much more. He didn’t just send money out of the blue to cover one attempt. Or $15,000 more from out of nowhere to cover a second attempt. He blessed us in a way that there was truly “Not room enough to receive it.”

Through all the years of tears and sorrow wondering why God wouldn’t give us children, we were repeatedly prompted that one day we’d understand why we had to go through this. We wondered if we’d done something wrong, or if God didn’t think we were worthy to have children. And as I look back now, I’m reminded of the scripture in John 9, where Jesus passes a blind man and his disciples ask “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” and Jesus answered (before healing the man), “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” Think about that for a second. “…But that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” I think that could be the explanation for a great many of our trials. And I’ve been able to see the works of God made manifest in Adam and Rachel. They are the most amazing children. Happy, healthy, kind, and smart. As many of you know, they were born 3 months prematurely. Adam weighed 2 lbs. 13 ½ ozs. (you know it’s bad when doctors use half ounces), and Rachel was a whopping 2 lbs. 14 ozs. Amy still gets choked up when she’s doing her exercises, and the kids pick up her little 3 lb. weights to work out with her. They came so suddenly that doctors didn’t have time to give Amy steroid shots to help their lungs develop, like they do with most preemie babies before they’re born. The steroids would’ve helped give their lungs a fighting chance. Instead, the doctor’s report from Adam’s delivery stated: “Upon delivery Baby A cried, then gasped for air before being intubated.” And Rachel’s report read similarly. The first week the kids were in the NICU, we gave them priesthood blessings. Any touching of their heads could’ve led to intercranial hemorrhaging. So rather than lay our hands on their heads, we placed our right pinky fingers lightly on each child’s arm, and trusted that God would understand. One nurse, realizing we were LDS, took me aside one day and told me “You know, you can get permission from your Bishop to do the children’s formal name & blessing ceremony in here. I know how important that is.” “That’s OK” I answered naively, “we’re going to do that at church in a few months when they get out.” Only later did I realize what she meant. “You might want to do this now, because they might not make it out.” The kids spent their first 3 months in the NICU before going home, and being blessed at church.

We’ve been reminded the past few weeks just how blessed we were. A nurse recently found out our children were born at 29 weeks, and opened with “are they still with us?” We confirmed the children were both still alive. The OB then read the chart and asked “So, cerebral palsy, blindness,… what long-term issues do they have as a result of the prematurity?” Which I could only answer through tears of gratitude, “Well, Adam’s got a faint scar on his shin from all the IVs.”

That the works of God should be made manifest in them.

Picked for these experiences

I met my dear friend Terra when she moved in our ward just under a year ago.  I know we were meant to meet and share our infertility experiences with each other, and you.  Thank you Terra for sharing. 

I am the mother of quite possibly the sweetest baby girl that has ever lived! I wouldn't make this up. She is beautiful and smart. She just turned one and I already can see how she will change the world. She changed my world. I wouldn't change my life if I could.

But this wasn't always the case.
When my husband and I learned we would never be able to create children of our own I felt angry.  I felt  broken. Why would Heavenly Father do this to us? I longed to be a mother since I could remember and my husband is the most compassionate, selfless person I've ever met. Why not us?! Maybe I was being punished. I couldn't understand. Why are there so many "undeserving" people in this world (that don't even want children) that can get pregnant and not us?! We are good people. We try to live right and serve others. Why were we not deserving of the one thing we want most?
Through time, we began to see that this was always Heavenly Fathers plan for us. Not a punishment, but a gift. After 5 years of marriage we adopted our first child. She was always meant for our family. I know she agreed to this plan too.  We have chosen a very open adoption and contact with our baby's birthfamily and LOVE it! It's not for everyone but it works for us. Heavenly Father trusted this beautiful person to give our baby life, and now He's trusting us with her life; to teach her how to get back home. Now how can He take my darkest hour and make it my greatest joy? Only through this trial could I have learned how to trust in my Savior and completely hand over my life to Him. I am grateful my husband and I are made the way we are.If we weren't, how would I have learned my purpose. I am not the strongest person. I still need His help. Sometimes my only strength comes from knowing He has been there and knows what I've been through.  I don't know exactly why it had to be this way but one thing I know for certain is:  I am not broken and neither are you!

A friend sent me this poem awhile back. I have never been able to say it quite so well:

Dear (insert your name here),

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard. You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok. Because it's not fair. Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not. And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it, sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you. It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten. Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently. Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see. Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.

But you were made from scratch! Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard. But don’t ever feel broken.

When your load is too much to bear alone, know that you were never meant to carry it yourself. He has already felt your pain. Remember you were hand picked for these experiences because Heavenly Father needed you. I believe we agreed to it. Not because we wanted it, or because it would be easy but because we knew that it alone could bring us the closest to our Savior. Gaining this perspective has made the hard days not so hard. We are never alone if we Trust in Him.  His plan is perfect. It can bring us far greater joy then we could ever imagine on our own. I beg you to let it.
Love- Terra

An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.

Waiting upon the Lord

Have I ever mentioned how much strength the words of prophets give me? Whenever I am discouraged or overwhelmed or sad I open my scriptures, listen to or read a conference talk. Most of the time I would rather just sit in self pity, but I'm always so glad when I choose to read the words of wise men because I feel better without fail.

On one of these occasions I was listening to Elder Robert D. Hales give a talk during the Sunday morning session of conference. It was titled:

Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done.

You can't get the full effect of his talk unless you read it in it's entirety but I did want to share some of my favorite quotes from his talk.

"Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'...Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.'

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the wordwait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often 'here a little and there a little' because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

"We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

"His blessings are eternal not temporary." What a great reminder as I wait upon the Lord.

You can also read this previous post about waiting on the Lord.

Where is Your Faith?

Did you get a chance to listen to the LDS General Conference at the beginning of October? If not you can listen to it or read it here.

There were so many inspiring and uplifting words spoken. One talk in particular stood out to me. It was given by Elder Neil L. Anderson.

He spoke about families and having children. It was a great reminder to me that no couple has the same experience with starting a family. His story of the couple that didn't have the opportunity to adopt until they were well into their 40's reminded me of something a friend once said to me.

"It's my experience that no one gets pregnant when/how they want to. It's either too quickly or not soon enough.."

I was just talking to a friend about her adoption process. She told me about support classes she and her husband went to. At these groups every couple was in a different situation. Some couples had already adopted children, some couples had children naturally but for various reason could no longer have children of their own. Other couples had never had the chance to have children yet.

It was just another example of how unique all of our situations are.

I also loved Elder Anderson's quote from President Kimball, "Where is your faith?". Whether it's a couple that wants children and it is taking a long time to receive them or a couple that can have children but isn't sure they're ready for them, the question is the same, "Where is your faith?". Do we believe that when the Lord speaks to us he will be true to his word. Do we remember Abraham and many other righteous individuals in the scriptures who were required to wait patiently on the Lord for the blessing of children?

Although no one on earth can fully comprehend another's situation, there is one that not only understands our situation, but knows how it will end.

Elder Anderson closed his talk with this promise:

"As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: 'Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.'”

"Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit."

I know the Lord loves me and is aware of my desires. I know he will bless me.

So I have to ask myself the question:

Do I TRUST Him enough?

Peace that passeth all understanding

I had a rough week last week...sometimes that happens with no real explanation as to why.  I felt sorry for myself and wondered why my husband and I don't have children yet.  I prayed and asked God what I should do.

My answer came in the Palmyra Temple.  I was reading the Bible, and I came across this passage in Philippians.  As I read it, I was amazed how each verse built on the next and spoke to me clearly about our current situation:

6 Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

     *The footnote here said, "Don't be unduly concerned about anything."  The verse seemed to be saying to me, "Don't stress too much about not having a baby yet.  Just pray and thank God for your blessings and tell Him what you want, and then trust Him."

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

     *This is one of my all-time favorite verses of scripture.  It describes perfectly the uncanny peace that I felt when my mom passed away when I was a teenager.  How could I be feeling peace during the worst days of my life? It didn't make any sense.  But this verse explains that God's peace "passeth understanding"--it doesn't always seem possible or reasonable.  Yet, this peace guards or "keeps" our hearts and enables us to bear even the most difficult challenges in life.  Through Him, I can feel peace, even with infertility.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there by any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

     *I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my desperate desire for a child.  It can become consuming.  I sometimes compare myself to other people and think, "We are the only married couple in Ryan's dental class that still doesn't have children" or "I can't believe that she got pregnant her first month of trying," etc.  This kind of thinking is not helpful.  It only leads to unfounded bitterness and discouragement.  This verse reminded me that, instead, I need to "think on things" that are uplifting and lovely.  I need to have hope.

9  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and hear, and seen in me, do; and the God of peace shall be with you.

     *This scripture seemed like a simple instruction: Keep doing what you know is right.  Don't become paralyzed by discouragement or self-pity.  Push along.  Be obedient. Keep trying, keep serving, keep praying.  God will be with you.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, there with to be content.

     *Rachel, be content.  Be happy.  You have a wonderful life.  Enjoy it.  Sleep in on a Saturday morning (you won't be doing that once you have kids!); go for a late-night run with Ryan (again, not really possible with a newborn); go on a romantic dinner date or a spur-of-the-moment road trip (hard to pull off with kids).  This is a good stage of life--so savor it.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

     *The final line of this passage is obviously the most important: I can do and bear anything through Jesus Christ.  He has been strengthening me through this difficult trial.

Learning in Unexpected Ways

Sometimes it is the lack of what we desire that teaches us the lesson we need.

I have spent my entire life taking care of children, studying the development of children, and working with children. I was so sure by this time in my life I would have children of my own.

However, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, has not seen fit that my husband and I be blessed with children yet. The last few months I have had the opportunity to pray more fervently, study the scriptures more carefully, and come closer to the Lord as I have sought to know his will concerning our desire to have a family. I have learned many things, none of which have been an answer as to why we don’t have children yet.

I have learned to TRULY have faith (which I am always praying for more of). I have learned what HOPE is. I have learned to have more empathy for others. I have learned about, studied and ached with some of the women in the Old Testament that also had difficulty having children: Sara, Rachel, Rebekah and Hannah. Each of these women had the same desire I have: to raise righteous children unto the Lord.

In the last few months I have grown so much! That doesn’t mean I don’t have my occasional breakdowns, but I am actually glad to have this struggle. I am glad I have become closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior, glad to progress in the Lord's gospel and glad that I have the opportunity to learn these lessons that will help me be a better mother.

During these months of studying I have come across this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that has become one of my new favorites:

"We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

(This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, CES Fireside, September 2004)

This is what I am striving to do daily, and I know with the Lord's help I can.