Mother's Day

I was recently privileged to read a talk that my Aunt gave in church on Mother's Day this year.  There is so much about this wonderful woman that I look up to.  She had her own years on infertility that she battled with and I loved everything she had to share in this talk.  I hope it brings you the same joy and peace it brought to me:

(Written by Nancy Nielsen for Mother's Day 2018)

When I first learned that I would be speaking on Mother’s Day I feel bad that my initial reaction was something like, (xx groan xx). But my reaction wasn’t because I don’t think mothers should be honored -- we definitely should be! And it wasn’t because I don’t think being a mom is important – I believe it’s the most important thing we can do! Prophets have taught that Motherhood is ““the highest, holiest service … assumed by mankind.”¹   I believe that this is true doctrine and as such it should be taught and talked about. The reason I had that initial reaction was because I understand on a very personal level that Mothers’ Day can be hard for a lot of women for a variety of reasons. There were years when going to church on Mother’s day was too painful for me; I would go and take the sacrament then quietly slip out the doors. 

So I don’t know if there’s anyone here today that might be struggling, but if there is, I hope you know that you aren’t alone. And not just because there are other women who have experienced similar trials but more importantly because our Savior knows what you’re feeling –not in some generalized way – he knows exactly what you’re feeling and He can heal your pain. Even if your circumstances don’t change, He can make it all ok. I know this is true.

Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a mom. I would take care of my dolls and stuffed animals and any stray animals I found in the neighborhood (which my mom didn’t really appreciate). Then when I was almost 7 I got a little sister – I got to change real diapers and help feed her and play with her. As we grew I got to help teach her cool things like how to color and skate. And as we got older, more important things like to never be afraid of being herself or to always stand up for what’s right.

When I was in high school, while a lot of my friends would talk about the big careers they hoped to have, I would say I wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids -- and I was going to have lots of kids!

When I was still in high school my older siblings started getting married and having children. I thought being an aunt was about the best thing ever! I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews and taking care of them. One of my sisters would sometimes ask me, only half-jokingly, to tell her children such and such, because they would listen to their aunt better than their parents sometimes.  And now that I have kids, I know there’s a lot of truth to that – sometimes they will listen to other people better. I’m grateful that my children have aunts who love them and are good examples.  

When I went to college, I eventually chose to be a teacher because I loved working with children, but also because I figured it would be conducive to being a mom if I needed to work once I got married and had kids. I started teaching and loved working with my students; I genuinely cared about them. It was fulfilling watching them grow and gain knowledge but it was especially gratifying watching them learn to be kind, good people and thinking that maybe I had a small part in that.

While I was still in my 20’s my mom passed away somewhat unexpectedly. I was grief stricken for a period of time and I was grateful for my sisters that stepped in to fill that void for me especially at times when I really needed a mother’s wisdom and guidance. 

About 4 years after my mom passed away Todd & I got married and I was excited to start our family but the years went by and no children came … and my heart broke. Each year that went by, I broke a little more. I knew that being a mom was a righteous desire, and didn’t understand why I was being denied this blessing.  I spent many years praying and pleading with Heavenly Father, trying to understand. I even pleaded with him to take that yearning for Motherhood away from me – but my longing only grew stronger as the years passed.

And then finally a miracle occurred. No, I didn’t have a baby, but my heart was healed.  As I laid my pain and sorrow at my Savior’s feet, He healed my broken heart. I finally felt peace. I knew that if I never had children in this life, that it would be OK. I knew that I would still have opportunities to serve and teach and love and lead and nurture. That I would still be able to mother.   Now I can look back on my life and see that I actually HAD been a mother all along. When I loved and cared for and taught my little sister, I was a mother. When I loved and spent time with my nieces and nephews, I was a mother. When I loved and taught my students in school, when I served in Primary and Young Women callings, I was a mother. Even with my own friends, as I taught them gospel truths either verbally or simply through the way I lived my life, I was a mother.

Sheri Dew, in a talk entitled Are We Not All Mothers, said:  “while we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”³—and they did so before she ever bore a child… Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.”

She later continued:   “…we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation.

WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. IT IS THE ESSENCE OF WHO WE ARE AS WOMEN.

I think of my friend Susan, in CA whose children were grown and out of the house. Another sister in our ward was called to serve as the Primary chorister but she had a young child who wasn’t old enough to go to Nursery yet. Susan stepped in and offered to take care of Analiese while her mother fulfilled her calling. She faithfully took care of her week after week, for years and I saw a special bond developed between them.

Another friend Amy, loved and helped raise a step-daughter. It was really hard at times and things did not always go smoothly, but recently her step-daughter, sent her a note saying “Thank you for being a rock in my childhood. You will always be a woman that can’t be celebrated enough.”   Amy sets a quiet example of righteousness every day by the way she lives and loves. My kids love their Auntie Amy and I’m certainly grateful for the influence she has on them.

Three years ago one of my sisters, after several miscarriages, found out she was expecting another daughter. She had one daughter and 3 sons at the time.  During her pregnancy, she was told that her baby had some problems and would not live long past birth, if she was born alive at all. It was recommended that the pregnancy be aborted. My sister and her husband, however, were told very clearly by the spirit that this daughter was to come and receive a body but that they were not to do anything to try to prolong her life. She didn’t need this probationary time on earth and had a mission to fulfill elsewhere.  As difficult as this experience was, my sister bravely carried her baby to term, then held her as she passed away in her arms after living for only an hour.  My sister’s testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of her Savior and the faith and courage she displayed was an example to her other children and to all who know her.   

This same sister has a close friend who never married but has become like an aunt to her children. Kids naturally love her and she’s touched many children’s lives as she’s served in various callings and has been a blessing to my sister and her family.

Several years after I experienced that miracle of having my heart healed, Todd & I were able to adopt our son. As I came to know and love Aaron’s birth mother, I was humbled by her strength and her unselfish love for her child. I witnessed true Mother Love as I watched her bravely make difficult choices that she felt would be best for her baby rather than doing what she wanted for herself. 

I think of my own mother, who, while raising 6 children, still loved and cared for countless other children. Our house was always full of people. Mom had a way of making everyone feel welcome and because of this was able to have a tremendous impact on so many people, both in and out of the church.

I can think of so many stories of women from all walks of life who truly are mothers. And I’m sure that each of you could as well.

I hope that we will expand our idea of Motherhood and remember that we ALL have a role to play.  So if we’re single, if we’re married but don’t have children, if we’re down in the trenches - in the midst of raising children now, if our children are already grown, if we’re grandmothers, if we serve in Primary or Young Women, if we’re aunts, if we’re teachers, THE FACT THAT WE ARE WOMEN – THAT WE ARE FEMALE – MEANS THAT WE HAVE A DIVINELY APPOINTED RESPONSIBILITY TO LEAD AND LOVE AND NURTURE HEAVENLY FATHER’S CHILDREN. None of us is exempt!

WE ARE ALL MOTHERS. IT IS THE ESSENCE OF WHO WE ARE AS WOMEN.  I hope that every sister here today, whatever your circumstances are, will feel honored today and every day. That we will feel the weight of the gifts that we’ve been given and of the responsibilities that we have.

A couple years ago, one of the Young Women that I grew to love like a daughter, posted on FB “Happy Mothers’ Day to all the moms that have helped raise me…”   She gets it!

I’m grateful for ALL the women in MY life that have mothered me. I’m grateful for all the women who have loved and influenced my children and pray that they’ll continue to have valiant, righteous women to help mother them throughout their lives!

We know that we are living in the last days. Satan is waging a terrible war. We ALL need to do our part.

I’ll close with one more quote by Sister Dew:   “As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning….Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God.”

Infertility platform

Over just the last few years I see more and more people sharing their infertility stories.  I'm so glad that people are talking about this.  The hardest part for me was feeling like no one understood.  I had no idea how many people had experienced what I was going through.  There are so many more people that have this trial than it appears and we can receive some healing as we share our stories with each other.

Here are just a few stories that I've seen in the last couple weeks: 

Whitney and Spencer Blake

This couple brought some humor to infertility

https://www.ldsliving.com/-Today-Features-LDS-Parents-Funny-Infertility-Announcements/s/82111

Cary and Ryan

This couple tried for almost 7 years and finally adopted a little boy over seas.

http://candlelightfilms.com/?s=cary+and+ryan

Leah Campbell

(I could only find a facebook link so I hope you can see it)

https://www.facebook.com/110309278986538/videos/1358590477491739/

Strengthen Each Other

I saw a friend share this blogpost on Facebook today.  Its called "Mind Your Own Womb".

It was a great reminder that whether we have children of our own or not, everyone has their own struggles and heart aches.  I hope we can remember to be a strength and comfort to each other instead of judging and making assumptions.

Read it for yourself here.

Learning from Women in the Scriptures

As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently listened to an interview with Sister Beck about motherhood. In a short part of the interview (at about the 32 minute mark) she gives advice to those women who have been unable to have children.
  

Sister Beck recommends that these women read the Old Testament. She said,

"Start with Adam and Eve and go on through Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Rachel. You'll find out that this is an age old problem. The problem of childlessness is not a new problem. And its interesting to me that its such a central scripture story. That its one of the stories that's been preserved so carefully in scripture.

"There's something in that challenge that really draws men and women to the Lord...makes them more humble...I would learn from those people of what the Lord was trying to teach these great patriarchs and great matriarchs about the plan when He gave them a chance to struggle with childlessness. You might find some answers and peace for yourself in that."

I personally have spent many hours reading the scriptures about these great women that have shared this same struggle that I have.

My favorite woman to study is Hannah. 
When my husband and I were hoping and praying to have a child I loved reading Hannah's story and especially looking at Elspeth Young's portrayal of her.

I'm grateful that the Lord gives us opportunities to learn from each other and draw strength from each other. I am grateful for this tender mercy.

"I know exactly how you feel"

I remember being in the depths of our infertility and a couple ladies that were aware of our situation stating "I know exactly how you feel".  And I HATED it!  I remember thinking, "you don't  know how I feel.  Even if you can sympathize, your situation is not exactly the same as mine".  I knew others that were struggling like we were and we would talk about our frustrations, but those friends didn't pretend to be feeling the exact same thing as me.  They were just supportive and loving.

 

I came across this article today.  I realize that much of it is preaching to the choir, but its nice to remember we're not alone in our feelings and frustrations and our hope.  It reminded me that everyone's situation and path to parenthood is different.  Its through prayer with the Lord that we find His purpose for us.

 

(See the original article here)

 

 

So When You Gonna have Kids?

Posted by Douglas

A “late start” on The Timeline

I was 31 when I got married, my wife 28- much later than the typical “Utah County Mormon” timeline. We’d each heard “when ya gonna get married?” plenty of times, as if choosing a spouse is like buying a car. Just go find one you like and sign the papers. Done.

But finally, sweet tender mercies, we found each other, got married, and started our life together in Lehi, Utah.

About a month later we saw my friend Adam and his wife in the produce section of the supermarket.

“Have you read the book we gave you yet?” Adam asked.
“Not yet.”
“Read it. Read it together! It’s thought provoking, and will do wonders for your relationship.”
“Will do. I’ll let you know what we think.”
“So when you gonna have kids?” He asked.

And I’m serious. That was literally his next question. We’d only been married a month. He knew that because he had gone to our reception.

I paused for a second.
“Oh, I don’t know Adam… Hopefully 9 months from this morning.” Followed by a sideways smile, winks, and a couple of those awkward fake elbow motions towards my wife’s ribcage.
It totally caught my wife off guard, and she stammered out an embarrassed comment–probably apologetic or something. We all got a good laugh, parted ways, and wished each other well.

That was the first time I realized that within the Mormon community, the you-need-to-follow-the-timeline question of “So, when you gonna get married”, had simply been replaced with “When you gonna have kids?” But we didn’t care. We were newlyweds. Plus, I was the last of 9 kids to get married, and ALL of my siblings were married with kids…so it was only natural to hear that question 10 times or so at family gatherings. We took it in stride because we knew everyone meant well, even though we laughed at how really personal that question was (more on that later).

We had fun with The Question–developing several replies:

1. The Fake Argument: “I don’t know, maybe when SOMEONE decides he is ready to be a FATHER.” followed by, “Well maybe SOMEBODY should start cleaning up after herself!”
2. The Worldly Answer: “Maybe after we save up enough money for a boat.”
3. The Shock the Asker Answer: “Meh… Hopefully never. We don’t like kids.”
4. The Intimate make-everyone-uncomfortable Answer: “Hopefully 9-months from this morning… eh? Eh? (wink wink)

She’s ready. I’m not.

Six months into our marriage, my wife wanted to start trying. But I wasn’t ready yet. I felt like we should wait a bit. My wife didn’t completely understand why I wanted to wait, so this lead to some minor disagreements. “When you gonna have kids?” transformed from silly question to something personal and invasive. When asked, I was reminded of how I was the one getting in the way, holding things up, whereas if my wife were to be asked–she’d think about how she was ready and I wasn’t.

After 1 year of marriage, I jumped on board, and we officially “started trying”.

A few months go by, and my wife still isn’t pregnant. Maybe because we were getting The Question so often, or maybe we felt some pressure because we got what our local society had deemed to be a “late start”, but for whatever reason, we felt incredibly impatient. We tried all the timing methods, but nothing happened. So we saw a doctor who told us some statistics about conception which calmed us down quite a bit. Basically, if everything is working right, you still only have (around) 20% chance of getting pregnant even if everything is timed perfectly. (I can’t remember the exact percentage, but it was along those lines). The woman who gets pregnant from the first attempt is actually an anomaly not the norm. The doctor told us to relax and continue trying, but that after 8 more months we still weren’t pregnant, then we would do some tests.

After a year of trying

A year flew by, and my wife was still not pregnant. We’d been married for 2 years, and had been asked The Question seemingly thousands of times. It was now a reminder of the disappointment we felt each month. We stopped having as much fun with the answers, and would say things like “As soon as Mother Nature cooperates”, or “As soon as God wants us to” with an almost resigned nature.

My wife’s sister, who got married within a few weeks of us, was pregnant for the second time. I think from washing their clothes together or something, they are seriously that fertile. My wife’s friends seemed to all be getting pregnant with ease. It seemed our whole neighborhood was pregnant. As Mormons, we are very family oriented–and having kids was a big part of that. We didn’t want to miss out.

I remember one time a woman in the ward we barely knew was talking to my wife:

Lady we barely knew: “When you going to have kids?”
My wife: “Well, we’re trying…”
Lady we barely knew: “Wait, how old are you?”
My wife: “Uh… 30?”
Lady we barely knew: “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

My wife told me about it after church, shaking her head a little that someone would treat the age of 30 as the age of barrenness.

A word on procreation and family planning

Let’s take a break from my story and think about how personal the subject of family planning is:

Procreation itself not only involves the highest level of intimacy and the most private of private parts, but all kinds of other highly personal factors. From the very painful ones such as infertility, impotence, or miscarriages, to awkward topics like finances, or perhaps the contention that could arise from one spouse being super ready while the other is dragging their feet. We’ve all heard that each couple has that one recurring argument–and differing priorities on family planning can be one of the most sensitive and raw arguments a couple can have.

Getting the test results

After 2 years of trying with no success, we did what we were nervous to do, started getting tested.

Not long after, we were told the news we’d been dreading–though not necessarily the way we thought it would come. I was completely infertile. As in ZERO. I emphasize zero because some men can have a low count… mine was zero.

I was devastated.

It was like someone had punched me in the solar plexus, and not only knocked the wind out of me, but had injected my entire body with an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. My wife was in tears as she told me the results. I just remember feeling like my face was literally numb. I also remember trying to snap out of it, and made this hollow attempt at putting on a brave face. It was awful.

Shortly after that, we went to a Urologist that supposedly specialized in fertility issues, so we could get a bigger picture. He sent his assistant in to tell the news at first, but I insisted on hearing directly from him. So he came in begrudgingly and sat across that poorly lit room and told me I had “testicular failure”, and it was irreversible. I remember facing that Urologist trying to keep eye contact as if to show I could handle it, as bit by bit I felt my masculinity peeling away. 3 years before that, I’d been diagnosed with low Testosterone–and this visit had completed the trifecta of “Worst News for Guys”: Low Testosterone, Testicular Failure, and Sterility. Awesome. I felt like my last shred of manliness melted in the room of that Urologist. It was all I could do to keep from crying like a little boy. My wife described it much later as watching in horror as she could see my soul absolutely crushed.

I kept asking what our options were, and he said “Adoption or a donor. A donor is the cheapest way to go. But just never tell your kid or anyone else. Take it to the grave.”

We didn’t know what to think. So we didn’t discuss it at all for several months. As in, at all. We didn’t even mention it. A Molotov Cocktail had been thrown at our “Plan”–completely destroying it, and the despair was too heavy to discuss making a new one. We dove into every form of distraction possible, retreating into our self protection zone–we traveled, we worked, we hung out with friends… we never talked about having a baby.

At this point, “When you gonna have kids” became very painful to hear. As did some children references at church–the testimonies about having children, and being blessed with children, and how happy they are and how much God loves them because of the children they were sent, etc etc…. (I wish I was kidding about that last point) And now, it seemed like those talks and testimonies happened all the time. Kind of like when you have a sunburn and everyone seems to want to pat you on the back. This sunburn just stung of inadequacy. Church became a big source of pain and insensitivity at times.

We were super private about what was happening, so no one around us knew that when they were asking The Question, they were reminding us of something that could potentially never be. It took me about a year to become ok with the idea of using a donor for my side. Don’t ask me why it took me that long, it just did. It just felt weird, and when it comes to fertility, infertility, family planning, etc–there are all kinds of emotions that express themselves differently for each person. A few days after we started shopping for a donor, my wife was hospitalized for severe abdominal pain. Ultrasounds revealed an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit.

Emergency surgery.

After the surgery, the doctor showed me the photos. Endometriosis. Bad. As in, so bad, the ovaries were almost destroyed, but not removed in case there was a chance they could still function. But he warned me that my wife had a very slim chance of ever having a child of her own, due to how bad the Endometriosis had gotten, and how bad the damage had been.

All this time I’d been the infertile partner in our marriage, and now it was likely the two of us. Our backup plan of using a donor was eliminated. Scratched off the list of possibilities.

The fragile walls I had built up as a coping mechanism came crashing down. Obliterated. And we went through an even more hopeless time. Fortunately, this wouldn’t last as long.

Let’s take another break from my story to make the final point to my post:

As I’ve said, family planning is super personal. And infertility is massively painful. Just remember that asking someone you don’t know too well about when they are going to have kids is far more personal than asking how much credit card debt they have. You have no idea what the couple is going through in that area of their lives.

My suggestions?

1. Don’t ask. It’s frankly none of your business. It’s as personal as asking how often they make love, and you’d never dream of asking that question. So don’t ask, let them bring it up if it comes up.
2. The culture within the church needs to change to be mindful of those who might possibly be in your group or congregation who are struggling with infertility. So don’t ever make statements that may make those with fertility issues feel excluded. “Unless you have a child of your own, you’ll NEVER understand the true love of a child” (true story). “Until you’re pregnant, you’ll never understand what it means to truly bond with your child…” etc etc–because maybe someone in that group just got the news that they will NEVER get pregnant. Just remember, not everyone is following your timeline, and not everyone CAN follow your timeline–but would love to.
3. If you find out that someone is struggling with infertility, please please please love them with everything you got. Hug them if you can. Cry with them if you can. A dream of theirs just got shattered and taken away. Yes, there’s adoption, but let them accept that later on. Be with them NOW, as if they’d just lost a loved one. Trust me, whatever brave face they are showing you is trying to hide some serious pain of all kinds.

Epilogue to my story:

Here is where I give mad props to my wife. She did not give up. After seeing about 6 different doctors, she still researched until she found a specialist in male infertility up at the U of U (Named Dr Meikle–not sure if he’s still practicing, but I highly recommend him if he is). We scheduled an appt, and we tentatively went to see him. At this point, I’d been on Androgel for low testosterone for 4 years. He took me off it right away. Said that in some rare cases, that can kill sperm count. He took some other measurements too, and found that other things were high that should have been lower. He warned me that going off artificial Testosterone would make me “feel lousy”, which was the biggest understatement of the year–but that’s a story for another time.

The entire process of working with Dr Meikle took about 9 months. This involved going off Androgel for a few months, having bloodwork done, going on other medications, having bloodwork done etc.

At the end of all of this I got measured again for swimmers…. which timeline-wise, was about a month after my wife’s surgery where we found out her ovaries were destroyed.

I was producing normal…. 106 million. So my body was all systems go. Now it was my wife’s turn to get bloodwork done, dye tests, more bloodwork, etc. Miraculously, in the middle of all of these tests, my wife became pregnant. With mine and her genetics, totally natural. We were ECSTATIC to say the least! We had a boy 7 months later (he came a little early) and named him Matthew–which means “Gift from God”. I’m actually hesitant to include that, because remember wondering why God would bless others with children and not us, but we would have named him that regardless of how he came into our lives–adoption, a donor, 2 donors, etc.

17 months later, Matthew’s little sister arrived. We’re now a family of 4.

I don’t attempt to speak for all issues that can cause infertility. There are dozens of potential causes. In our specific example, it was the medication Androgel that I used (don’t ask me why at least 6 different doctors, including specialists, saw that on my chart and didn’t take me off of it) which told my pituitary to stop producing testosterone and dropped my count to zero.

And I know that our total of 4 years of trying, and 3-ish of thinking we were infertile pales in comparison to what others have gone through.

But the pain is very real. It’s crushing, discouraging, disheartening pain…. and if anyone reading this is going through the pain of infertility I just want you to know you are loved, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. I feel for you. It’s an awful feeling, and I pray for peace for you to get through it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how many people I know that have struggled with pregnancy. 

It's A LOT!

It's something that I'm hyper aware of.   What is interesting to me is that I know a large group of good couples that don't struggle to get pregnant with their first child, but have a hard time with their second or third. I have reflected on why so many good people have to wait to welcome children into their families when they have so much to offer as parents.

Many times I have felt like Hannah in the Old Testament.  Wanting a child so badly and being willing to offer the Lord anything in return.  And then I wonder.  Is that why so many good people struggle to have children?  Does the Lord want them to not just be good parents, but to commit to be the best parents?  We ARE in the last days and the Lord DOES need strong saints to lead his work.  Just about everyone I know that has a struggle to welcome children into their home (whether its getting pregnant or adopting. whether they wait 3 months or 18 years) has eventually been blessed with a child.  And then I remember Abraham and Sara. 

The Lord is aware of us.  He needs us to draw close to him and discover what he wants us to learn, and then TRUST him.

Seeing with Spiritual Eyes

Have you checked out the Women in the Scriptures blog yet?  You really should.  She has such wonderful insights about the amazing women we can read about in the scriptures.  Just recently she posted about Hagar.  It was very interesting but what I loved the most was this:

Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael with water and provisions but eventually they run out of water. When Hagar and Ishmael finally collapse from dehydration it is apparent that she believes she and her son are going to die. She can do little more than sit down and weep. Her situation looks desperate and bleak. She has lost everything, her home, her husband, and her comfort and security. She had endured fourteen years with Abraham and Sarah now only to have all the promises God made her die. One can only imagine that she felt utterly and completely alone as she prepared to die. This time not only can she not see the well, she doesn't think there even is a well.

Yet as she weeps God again visits her and this time he "opens up her eyes and she saw a well of water" (Gen 21:19). The water has been just below her the whole time, but she couldn't see it. It is a beautiful way for God to remind Hagar that He is indeed the "God who sees me" and that, even when it appears that there are no blessings to be had anywhere, that He knows what blessings await her.

Hagar's story has brought me a lot of peace in my life. I've found that in some of my hardest moments, the times when I feel like there is not a blessing to be found anywhere, that I have found myself repeatedly praying to God calling Him, like Hagar did, 'The God who sees me." God is referred to by many different names throughout the Bible, yet I think that name is my personal favorite. It brings me so much peace and reminds me that there is a God who knows what I am suffering-- even when no one else does. A God who hears my prayers and who can see the blessings that I am blinded to, either because they are so abundant or because they are yet to be.

Hagar's story is also a testament that God sees the suffering of women everywhere. There is not a woman on this earth who cries out in pain, disappointment, fear, or despair whose voice He does not hear and whose trials He does not see. They may not know Him, or even believe in Him, but they are His daughters-- his precious daughters-- and He will never leave them alone. God has a plan for each and every one of children. Trusting in Him, and having faith that we can not comprehend or understand all that God does, makes any amount of frustration, sorrow, disappointment, or pain bearable.

Just because we can't see the well of water, doesn't mean it isn't there.

We just need to have our spiritual eyes opened and have faith that God sees.

Maybe it sounds dramatic, but I remember being in the middle of wanting to get pregnant and feeling like it would never happen.  In fact, it was hard to see the blessings I was experiencing at the moment because of it.  I would sometimes wonder if I would ever have the opportunity to be a mother and wondered why it seemed like everyone around me was blessed with exactly what I wanted, except for me.
I liked this gentle reminder that our Father in Heaven DOES see us and DOES know us and if we look, we will find the well of water in our life. 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

One of my favorite times of the year is the General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I especially love this bi-annual conference in the fall because its a great kick-off to the holidays.  It gets me thinking more about what I'm thankful for, my family, and most importantly, the Savior.  There were some wonderful talks, but this is one that stood out to me:

President Henry B. Eyring's Talk

 

He told a story about his dauther-in-law and her five year struggle to get pregnant after the birth of her three children.  I related with so much of what he said.  I especially related with the fact that she had to completely turn her will over to the Heavenly Father before she felt peace.  I had a very similar experience when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. 

 

I'm grateful for examples I can relate to and I'm grateful for the peace my Heavenly Father allows me to feel despite difficult circumstances. 

 

Please take the time to read it with an open heart.  I know you will feel something that is just for you!

 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

This is a beautiful post written by Amy's husband.  You can read the original post here.

 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

So I’ve given some thought to what I want our kids to learn from me. And no matter how much I love politics, sports, travel, etc., I realize that’s not the most important thing I can teach them. So while I’ll probably still ramble on this blog periodically about the aforementioned subjects, I think there’s something more important I can leave with them. I want them to know of the experiences in my life that have let me know there is a God, and that He cares about us. So I’ll start posting stories, experiences, and life lessons I’ve picked up along the way, in the hopes that they’ll be useful to our kids. And if they help someone else along the way, all the better. And I figured what better place to start than the beginning…

Amy (to me, shortly after we got married): “We’re going to have trouble getting pregnant, so if we want kids in 2 years, we should stop birth control now so we can get all the unsuccessful trying out of the way so we’ll be ready to try fertility treatments in 2 years when we really want to have a baby.”

Me: “You’re crazy. We’re both perfectly healthy. Why would you think we’d have any problems getting pregnant?”

Amy: “I just know. I can feel it.”

Me: “That’s insane.”

Me: (to Amy, childless, and in a fertility clinic 4 years later) “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Unfortunately in-vitro’s a really pricey proposition, but it was our only chance of having a baby. My family was graciously willing to let our business go into debt to finance the attempt. So we decided to move forward, but with some obvious financial concerns. A few weeks later we got a letter from our business’ insurance company. It explained some Wall Street stock stuff that I didn’t understand. Apparently the company was going public. And because we had our little business policy with them, we were going to receive a lot of money: out of the blue, for doing nothing. Enough to pay for the in-vitro treatments in full. We thanked God for this great blessing, paid off the doctors, and gave it a shot. But the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were crushed, and weren’t sure if we could afford (financially or emotionally) to try again. But through blessings and spiritual promptings, God had promised us (after 4 ½ years of marriage) that this would finally be the year Amy got pregnant. She was scheduled to take the pregnancy test on December 22^nd. When the dividend check finally arrived from the insurance company, it was for $15,000 more than we were told to expect. Just enough to pay for another in-vitro attempt, that would finally prove successful. Amy and I have always followed the biblical counsel to pay tithing. Malachi 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse…” And the Lord goes on to include an amazing promise to those who pay tithing “… and prove me now herewith sayeth the Lord God of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of Heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” All our prayers and efforts had been in hopes of having a baby. And when we went in for the ultrasound and saw our two babies for the first time, we were brought to our knees by the Lord’s goodness. He didn’t give us what we wanted. He gave us so much more. He didn’t just send money out of the blue to cover one attempt. Or $15,000 more from out of nowhere to cover a second attempt. He blessed us in a way that there was truly “Not room enough to receive it.”

Through all the years of tears and sorrow wondering why God wouldn’t give us children, we were repeatedly prompted that one day we’d understand why we had to go through this. We wondered if we’d done something wrong, or if God didn’t think we were worthy to have children. And as I look back now, I’m reminded of the scripture in John 9, where Jesus passes a blind man and his disciples ask “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” and Jesus answered (before healing the man), “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” Think about that for a second. “…But that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” I think that could be the explanation for a great many of our trials. And I’ve been able to see the works of God made manifest in Adam and Rachel. They are the most amazing children. Happy, healthy, kind, and smart. As many of you know, they were born 3 months prematurely. Adam weighed 2 lbs. 13 ½ ozs. (you know it’s bad when doctors use half ounces), and Rachel was a whopping 2 lbs. 14 ozs. Amy still gets choked up when she’s doing her exercises, and the kids pick up her little 3 lb. weights to work out with her. They came so suddenly that doctors didn’t have time to give Amy steroid shots to help their lungs develop, like they do with most preemie babies before they’re born. The steroids would’ve helped give their lungs a fighting chance. Instead, the doctor’s report from Adam’s delivery stated: “Upon delivery Baby A cried, then gasped for air before being intubated.” And Rachel’s report read similarly. The first week the kids were in the NICU, we gave them priesthood blessings. Any touching of their heads could’ve led to intercranial hemorrhaging. So rather than lay our hands on their heads, we placed our right pinky fingers lightly on each child’s arm, and trusted that God would understand. One nurse, realizing we were LDS, took me aside one day and told me “You know, you can get permission from your Bishop to do the children’s formal name & blessing ceremony in here. I know how important that is.” “That’s OK” I answered naively, “we’re going to do that at church in a few months when they get out.” Only later did I realize what she meant. “You might want to do this now, because they might not make it out.” The kids spent their first 3 months in the NICU before going home, and being blessed at church.

We’ve been reminded the past few weeks just how blessed we were. A nurse recently found out our children were born at 29 weeks, and opened with “are they still with us?” We confirmed the children were both still alive. The OB then read the chart and asked “So, cerebral palsy, blindness,… what long-term issues do they have as a result of the prematurity?” Which I could only answer through tears of gratitude, “Well, Adam’s got a faint scar on his shin from all the IVs.”

That the works of God should be made manifest in them.

Great article in the Ensign

I just read an article about infertility in the June 2012 Ensign, and I felt very uplifted by it.  The author shares her experience struggling with infertility and turning to the Lord through the scriptures and through prayer in order to find specific answers for her life.  After reading this article, I feel recommitted to fervently searching the scriptures and praying for guidance in my life.  The article reminded me that God is there; He is aware of us and wants what is best for us; His timing is perfect, and He can give us the peace we need while we wait for His timing to be revealed.  I'm so glad I read this article tonight:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility?lang=eng

Picked for these experiences

I met my dear friend Terra when she moved in our ward just under a year ago.  I know we were meant to meet and share our infertility experiences with each other, and you.  Thank you Terra for sharing. 

I am the mother of quite possibly the sweetest baby girl that has ever lived! I wouldn't make this up. She is beautiful and smart. She just turned one and I already can see how she will change the world. She changed my world. I wouldn't change my life if I could.

But this wasn't always the case.
When my husband and I learned we would never be able to create children of our own I felt angry.  I felt  broken. Why would Heavenly Father do this to us? I longed to be a mother since I could remember and my husband is the most compassionate, selfless person I've ever met. Why not us?! Maybe I was being punished. I couldn't understand. Why are there so many "undeserving" people in this world (that don't even want children) that can get pregnant and not us?! We are good people. We try to live right and serve others. Why were we not deserving of the one thing we want most?
Through time, we began to see that this was always Heavenly Fathers plan for us. Not a punishment, but a gift. After 5 years of marriage we adopted our first child. She was always meant for our family. I know she agreed to this plan too.  We have chosen a very open adoption and contact with our baby's birthfamily and LOVE it! It's not for everyone but it works for us. Heavenly Father trusted this beautiful person to give our baby life, and now He's trusting us with her life; to teach her how to get back home. Now how can He take my darkest hour and make it my greatest joy? Only through this trial could I have learned how to trust in my Savior and completely hand over my life to Him. I am grateful my husband and I are made the way we are.If we weren't, how would I have learned my purpose. I am not the strongest person. I still need His help. Sometimes my only strength comes from knowing He has been there and knows what I've been through.  I don't know exactly why it had to be this way but one thing I know for certain is:  I am not broken and neither are you!

A friend sent me this poem awhile back. I have never been able to say it quite so well:

Dear (insert your name here),

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard. You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok. Because it's not fair. Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not. And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it, sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you. It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten. Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently. Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see. Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.

But you were made from scratch! Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard. But don’t ever feel broken.

When your load is too much to bear alone, know that you were never meant to carry it yourself. He has already felt your pain. Remember you were hand picked for these experiences because Heavenly Father needed you. I believe we agreed to it. Not because we wanted it, or because it would be easy but because we knew that it alone could bring us the closest to our Savior. Gaining this perspective has made the hard days not so hard. We are never alone if we Trust in Him.  His plan is perfect. It can bring us far greater joy then we could ever imagine on our own. I beg you to let it.
Love- Terra

Honest Thoughts

http://roastandheather.blogspot.com/2012/02/honest-ie-tmi.html

Click on the link above for an honest and real and very funny post about what it's like to deal with infertility on a daily basis. If you're like me, you will walk away feeling like you're not alone.

Not the Only One

I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.

An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.

Advice from a Wise Woman

Don't you just love Sister Beck?  There's a great website called mormonchannel.org that does interviews with church leaders (among many other things).  My mom recently sent me a link to an interview with Sister Beck about motherhood.  Around the 30 minute mark of the interview she talks about those women who have not been blessed with children.  I LOVE what she has to say. 

"It's a painful thing... to want children and not have them.  I think its okay to mourn that.  It's a very great grief and you can go through the stages of mourning but you don't live there.  You can't spend eternity there.  You can't spend this life there.  Acknowledge that you're sad and lay it before the Lord and say 'Heal me and help me through this grief and this pain; this sadness.  Because I don't want to live here in this spot. I want to be become productive and helpful and contributing. Don't negate my nature but help me get through a grieving process to a place where I can see and feel the joy'."

I can personally testify that the Lord WILL heal this sorrow.  I have spent many days and nights on my knees in prayer.  I know he hears us.  I know he answers all our prayers differently but it is what we each need.  And no matter how he answers those prayers (whether its the answer we want or not) he CAN heal us and bring us peace if we rely on him.

As I get to know more and more women that have experienced some type of infertility it is interesting to see how the Lord works so different in each situation. 

Each couple has their own unique experience and each couple has the opportunity to turn to the Lord and become closer to him. 

This month is national adoption month.  I have known many great women and families that have been led to adoption and their families have been greatly blessed because of it. 

Rachel, who has posted on this blog, is dedicating this month to share about her experience in adoption and to answer anyone's questions about the process.  Through their long process she had to rely and trust in the Lord.  I wanted to post a few of her words here.  If you want to read more or ask her questions, check out her blog.

I cannot stop thinking about babies. I am not tormented or depressed (most of the time), but it is just something that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart all day every day. What does God want for our family? Does he want us to adopt a special needs baby through an agency called Spence Chapin? Are we up for the challenge? Does he want us to stick it out with LDS Family Services? Does he want us to try harder for biological children, putting my body through the more intense fertility treatments that I am dreading? Does He care which path we take? I feel these nagging questions all the time, even when I am working on something else. When I’m grading papers, when I’m running on a treadmill…even when I’m sleeping. I can’t help but dream different scenarios of how we will get our baby.

I have never prayed so much in my life. I feel like prayers are inseparably woven into all of my thoughts these days. “What should we do? Please guide us Heavenly Father.” It’s like a refrain that plays in my mind all day long. And every morning and every night, I get on my knees and beg for guidance.

I remember feeling very similar thoughts and feelings.  As I read these words from Rachel and applied it to myself, I couldn't help but think that maybe sometimes we're not waiting on the Lord, the Lord is waiting on us.  He's waiting for us to have that complete reliance on him.  That continual prayer.  He wants us to learn to be that close with him every day, all the time.  Sometimes we have to learn it through hard things, but that's what helps us to learn and grow.

Waiting upon the Lord

Have I ever mentioned how much strength the words of prophets give me? Whenever I am discouraged or overwhelmed or sad I open my scriptures, listen to or read a conference talk. Most of the time I would rather just sit in self pity, but I'm always so glad when I choose to read the words of wise men because I feel better without fail.

On one of these occasions I was listening to Elder Robert D. Hales give a talk during the Sunday morning session of conference. It was titled:

Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done.

You can't get the full effect of his talk unless you read it in it's entirety but I did want to share some of my favorite quotes from his talk.

"Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'...Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.'

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the wordwait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often 'here a little and there a little' because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

"We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

"His blessings are eternal not temporary." What a great reminder as I wait upon the Lord.

You can also read this previous post about waiting on the Lord.

Where is Your Faith?

Did you get a chance to listen to the LDS General Conference at the beginning of October? If not you can listen to it or read it here.

There were so many inspiring and uplifting words spoken. One talk in particular stood out to me. It was given by Elder Neil L. Anderson.

He spoke about families and having children. It was a great reminder to me that no couple has the same experience with starting a family. His story of the couple that didn't have the opportunity to adopt until they were well into their 40's reminded me of something a friend once said to me.

"It's my experience that no one gets pregnant when/how they want to. It's either too quickly or not soon enough.."

I was just talking to a friend about her adoption process. She told me about support classes she and her husband went to. At these groups every couple was in a different situation. Some couples had already adopted children, some couples had children naturally but for various reason could no longer have children of their own. Other couples had never had the chance to have children yet.

It was just another example of how unique all of our situations are.

I also loved Elder Anderson's quote from President Kimball, "Where is your faith?". Whether it's a couple that wants children and it is taking a long time to receive them or a couple that can have children but isn't sure they're ready for them, the question is the same, "Where is your faith?". Do we believe that when the Lord speaks to us he will be true to his word. Do we remember Abraham and many other righteous individuals in the scriptures who were required to wait patiently on the Lord for the blessing of children?

Although no one on earth can fully comprehend another's situation, there is one that not only understands our situation, but knows how it will end.

Elder Anderson closed his talk with this promise:

"As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: 'Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.'”

"Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit."

I know the Lord loves me and is aware of my desires. I know he will bless me.

So I have to ask myself the question:

Do I TRUST Him enough?

Sorrow then Joy

One of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon are Alma 17-28.

These chapters focus on the missionary work of Alma and the sons of Mosiah (including Ammon, my favorite!).

Maybe that's an odd thing to bring up on a blog focused on fertility.

I'll expound.

I just finished reading these chapters in my personal study and I'm always amazed at the wisdom that comes from the experiences of these men. I believe you can apply their example and experiences to all sorts of life events.

I just read two verses that stood out to me:

"And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."

"And this is the account of...their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy..."

(Alma 28:6 & 8)

Verse 6 was a good reminder to me that in our day of sorrow is when we need to increase our fasting and prayer to the Lord. It is so tempting to want to give up. To not care. To do nothing. But when we turn to the Lord he will bless us with joy.

Which brings me to verse 8. I wrote in the margins of my scriptures:

"first sorrow, then joy"

Isn't that how it usually works. It is only after the sorrow that we feel the increase of joy. And our joy is more sweet because of the sorrow.

It is incomprehensible joy!

Even though the sorrow and aching of not being a mother is hard, and not wished on anyone, how much more joy will we have when we are finally blessed with that experience?

I know our Heavenly Father is aware of our sorrows and when we endure well, he blesses us with an increase of joy!

Sacrifice of Women

My mom sent me the link to this article from Mormon Times the other day. I especially loved the second half of the article. I know that whatever is the Lord's plan for us He sees our sacrifices and will bless us for them, whether in this life or the next.

"A year later, I had a miscarriage. My first. In the aftermath I grappled with many difficult feelings— grief, anger, longing. Sure, I had only been pregnant for a few weeks, but I had already invested great physical, emotional and spiritual energy in this new life and for what?

A few weeks later, I spoke with a close friend of mine who had just suffered her second miscarriage. I confided my sense of emptiness and futility. But as I continued to speak, I heard surprising words coming from my mouth.

"It wasn't a waste," I said. "It wasn't a waste."

I wasn't quite sure what I meant. But I knew that somehow, my loss counted. It was known by God and would, in some inexplicable way, contribute to his work and his glory, as well as my personal holiness.

I felt better after that, even though it still took more time to recover, both physically and emotionally. I became convinced that when women offer their bodies as vehicles for new life, they are consecrating themselves to God's purposes, and God honors this offering, whether or not it results in live birth.

I realized that this is true for women in a variety of circumstances: women who try and try, but are unable to conceive; women who face the rigors of adopting a child; women who remain single in this lifetime, who must forego maternity as well as intimacy on a number of levels.

I came to this conclusion. Every woman of faith consecrates her body as a living sacrifice. Whether our particular burden is fullness or emptiness, each of us is pushing against the world's current with our eyes on the kingdom of God."