Advice from a Wise Woman

Don't you just love Sister Beck?  There's a great website called mormonchannel.org that does interviews with church leaders (among many other things).  My mom recently sent me a link to an interview with Sister Beck about motherhood.  Around the 30 minute mark of the interview she talks about those women who have not been blessed with children.  I LOVE what she has to say. 

"It's a painful thing... to want children and not have them.  I think its okay to mourn that.  It's a very great grief and you can go through the stages of mourning but you don't live there.  You can't spend eternity there.  You can't spend this life there.  Acknowledge that you're sad and lay it before the Lord and say 'Heal me and help me through this grief and this pain; this sadness.  Because I don't want to live here in this spot. I want to be become productive and helpful and contributing. Don't negate my nature but help me get through a grieving process to a place where I can see and feel the joy'."

I can personally testify that the Lord WILL heal this sorrow.  I have spent many days and nights on my knees in prayer.  I know he hears us.  I know he answers all our prayers differently but it is what we each need.  And no matter how he answers those prayers (whether its the answer we want or not) he CAN heal us and bring us peace if we rely on him.

As I get to know more and more women that have experienced some type of infertility it is interesting to see how the Lord works so different in each situation. 

Each couple has their own unique experience and each couple has the opportunity to turn to the Lord and become closer to him. 

This month is national adoption month.  I have known many great women and families that have been led to adoption and their families have been greatly blessed because of it. 

Rachel, who has posted on this blog, is dedicating this month to share about her experience in adoption and to answer anyone's questions about the process.  Through their long process she had to rely and trust in the Lord.  I wanted to post a few of her words here.  If you want to read more or ask her questions, check out her blog.

I cannot stop thinking about babies. I am not tormented or depressed (most of the time), but it is just something that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart all day every day. What does God want for our family? Does he want us to adopt a special needs baby through an agency called Spence Chapin? Are we up for the challenge? Does he want us to stick it out with LDS Family Services? Does he want us to try harder for biological children, putting my body through the more intense fertility treatments that I am dreading? Does He care which path we take? I feel these nagging questions all the time, even when I am working on something else. When I’m grading papers, when I’m running on a treadmill…even when I’m sleeping. I can’t help but dream different scenarios of how we will get our baby.

I have never prayed so much in my life. I feel like prayers are inseparably woven into all of my thoughts these days. “What should we do? Please guide us Heavenly Father.” It’s like a refrain that plays in my mind all day long. And every morning and every night, I get on my knees and beg for guidance.

I remember feeling very similar thoughts and feelings.  As I read these words from Rachel and applied it to myself, I couldn't help but think that maybe sometimes we're not waiting on the Lord, the Lord is waiting on us.  He's waiting for us to have that complete reliance on him.  That continual prayer.  He wants us to learn to be that close with him every day, all the time.  Sometimes we have to learn it through hard things, but that's what helps us to learn and grow.

Waiting upon the Lord

Have I ever mentioned how much strength the words of prophets give me? Whenever I am discouraged or overwhelmed or sad I open my scriptures, listen to or read a conference talk. Most of the time I would rather just sit in self pity, but I'm always so glad when I choose to read the words of wise men because I feel better without fail.

On one of these occasions I was listening to Elder Robert D. Hales give a talk during the Sunday morning session of conference. It was titled:

Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done.

You can't get the full effect of his talk unless you read it in it's entirety but I did want to share some of my favorite quotes from his talk.

"Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'...Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.'

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the wordwait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often 'here a little and there a little' because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

"We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

"His blessings are eternal not temporary." What a great reminder as I wait upon the Lord.

You can also read this previous post about waiting on the Lord.

Where is Your Faith?

Did you get a chance to listen to the LDS General Conference at the beginning of October? If not you can listen to it or read it here.

There were so many inspiring and uplifting words spoken. One talk in particular stood out to me. It was given by Elder Neil L. Anderson.

He spoke about families and having children. It was a great reminder to me that no couple has the same experience with starting a family. His story of the couple that didn't have the opportunity to adopt until they were well into their 40's reminded me of something a friend once said to me.

"It's my experience that no one gets pregnant when/how they want to. It's either too quickly or not soon enough.."

I was just talking to a friend about her adoption process. She told me about support classes she and her husband went to. At these groups every couple was in a different situation. Some couples had already adopted children, some couples had children naturally but for various reason could no longer have children of their own. Other couples had never had the chance to have children yet.

It was just another example of how unique all of our situations are.

I also loved Elder Anderson's quote from President Kimball, "Where is your faith?". Whether it's a couple that wants children and it is taking a long time to receive them or a couple that can have children but isn't sure they're ready for them, the question is the same, "Where is your faith?". Do we believe that when the Lord speaks to us he will be true to his word. Do we remember Abraham and many other righteous individuals in the scriptures who were required to wait patiently on the Lord for the blessing of children?

Although no one on earth can fully comprehend another's situation, there is one that not only understands our situation, but knows how it will end.

Elder Anderson closed his talk with this promise:

"As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: 'Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.'”

"Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God’s commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit."

I know the Lord loves me and is aware of my desires. I know he will bless me.

So I have to ask myself the question:

Do I TRUST Him enough?

Sorrow then Joy

One of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon are Alma 17-28.

These chapters focus on the missionary work of Alma and the sons of Mosiah (including Ammon, my favorite!).

Maybe that's an odd thing to bring up on a blog focused on fertility.

I'll expound.

I just finished reading these chapters in my personal study and I'm always amazed at the wisdom that comes from the experiences of these men. I believe you can apply their example and experiences to all sorts of life events.

I just read two verses that stood out to me:

"And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."

"And this is the account of...their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy..."

(Alma 28:6 & 8)

Verse 6 was a good reminder to me that in our day of sorrow is when we need to increase our fasting and prayer to the Lord. It is so tempting to want to give up. To not care. To do nothing. But when we turn to the Lord he will bless us with joy.

Which brings me to verse 8. I wrote in the margins of my scriptures:

"first sorrow, then joy"

Isn't that how it usually works. It is only after the sorrow that we feel the increase of joy. And our joy is more sweet because of the sorrow.

It is incomprehensible joy!

Even though the sorrow and aching of not being a mother is hard, and not wished on anyone, how much more joy will we have when we are finally blessed with that experience?

I know our Heavenly Father is aware of our sorrows and when we endure well, he blesses us with an increase of joy!

Sacrifice of Women

My mom sent me the link to this article from Mormon Times the other day. I especially loved the second half of the article. I know that whatever is the Lord's plan for us He sees our sacrifices and will bless us for them, whether in this life or the next.

"A year later, I had a miscarriage. My first. In the aftermath I grappled with many difficult feelings— grief, anger, longing. Sure, I had only been pregnant for a few weeks, but I had already invested great physical, emotional and spiritual energy in this new life and for what?

A few weeks later, I spoke with a close friend of mine who had just suffered her second miscarriage. I confided my sense of emptiness and futility. But as I continued to speak, I heard surprising words coming from my mouth.

"It wasn't a waste," I said. "It wasn't a waste."

I wasn't quite sure what I meant. But I knew that somehow, my loss counted. It was known by God and would, in some inexplicable way, contribute to his work and his glory, as well as my personal holiness.

I felt better after that, even though it still took more time to recover, both physically and emotionally. I became convinced that when women offer their bodies as vehicles for new life, they are consecrating themselves to God's purposes, and God honors this offering, whether or not it results in live birth.

I realized that this is true for women in a variety of circumstances: women who try and try, but are unable to conceive; women who face the rigors of adopting a child; women who remain single in this lifetime, who must forego maternity as well as intimacy on a number of levels.

I came to this conclusion. Every woman of faith consecrates her body as a living sacrifice. Whether our particular burden is fullness or emptiness, each of us is pushing against the world's current with our eyes on the kingdom of God."

Heat

I made some banana bread today.

It actually turned out really good.

It was soft and moist with no burns or gooey spots.

It was just right.

As I sat eating a slice late at night I started thinking about how my bread got from the slimy ingredients I put in the pan to the delicious fluffy bread I was eating. The answer to this transformation of my dough to bread all happened because of heat.

It was also important that just the right ingredients mixed together before it was exposed to that heat and that it was IN the heat for just the right amount of time. Otherwise my bread couldn't become the deliciousness I was eating.

And as I ate my bread it dawned on me that our lives are kind of the same.

The Lord is so careful to put just the right experiences, or ingredients, in our life at just the right time so when a trial comes along we have the opportunity to grow and become a "delicious piece of bread". If we try to escape from our trials too quickly we might still be a little gooey in the middle, or in other words we won't reach our full potential.

The Lord said:

"My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy [trials] " (D&C 121:7-8)

So the next time I'm in the midst of the heat, I think I'll try to remember my banana bread and imagine what "deliciousness" I can become if I endure it well.

I wanted to share my thoughts on Mother's Day. I have been pondering a lot today on those years of trying to celebrate this holiday without children. It's tough--I would try to be optimistic and believe in words of Sheri Dew (thanks, Elise), but at the same time I would feel stupid when people would say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. But even though this day is a very important and special holiday, it is also just a day. And even though we put extra emphasis on mothers once a year, we are ALL given the responsibility to mother ALL the time. And that should be our highest aspiration whether we have children or not. Motherhood is not something that is given to us. It is our eternal make up and fiber.
I feel guilty from time to time for not getting a full time job while I was married with no kids. I admire those women who do. But I already had too much on my personal plate so I didn't go there. But I definitely still had a job--I was the nurturer in my home. That doesn't ever go away or change. We are unique and different as women. But the very things that make us unique are also the very things that make us the same--we are given gifts to develop that can help each other and the world--but most importantly we are given gifts to nurture our souls well enough that we can be effective mothers. Any time I feel like I am having a hard time, and am less than patient with people, it is because I have forgotten to remember what it is that I am supposed to be focusing on. The manifestation of our mothering is vastly individual. But the calling is the same. And I'm grateful for that.
All of this preamble has led up to what I really want to share. And that is that during my infertile years, we started a tradition in our family. Each Mother's Day, my husband gives me a priesthood blessing.  And despite the fact that I have received many answers to prayer and received many blessings--these are the ones that continue to bless and sustain me the most. It is clear that Heavenly Father knows my inner most soul. And whether I have had to wait longer for children or not, the increased feeling of love in my life is significant because of this tradition. So no matter your own unique situation, I highly recommend beginning your own spiritual tradition surrounding this day. I know it will bless you like it has blessed me. Happy Mother's Day! 

We Are the Lord's Secret Weapon

Since Mother’s Day and Easter fell so close to each other this year, I couldn’t help but reflect on the connection between these events.

Mother's day can be a hard when you are yearning for, but have not yet obtained, that most precious role of mother. I have come to learn that there is so much to celebrate on this special day whether we are mothers yet or not. One of my all-time favorite talks is by Sheri Dew titled "Are We Not All Mothers?”.

Not only has Sheri Dew never had the opportunity to be a mother, but she has never even had the opportunity to marry. She is a wise women of God and I love reading her words. She said:
*(note-emphasis is added)

“… both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Motherhood...is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.
Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: ‘Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.’
For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.
And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read.
Every sister in Relief Society…is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. … Every one of us can mother someone… I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.
As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning.
(Sheri L. Dew, January 2002, “Are We Not All Mothers?”)

I love that wording. We are the Lord’s secret weapon. ALL women! ALL of us! We are to be the examples, teachers and leaders of the rising generation whether it’s our own children, those we come in contact with at church, work, or in our extended families.

I have had the privilege of working with youth and children my entire life. I have become very close to many of them and I would hope that I have had some kind of positive influence on at least one of them. But it is humbling to know that, even though I don’t have children of my own yet, it is my responsibility (and yours and yours) to lead the next generation.

As we do our part to lead these children and youth it doesn’t take away the sorrow of being unable to raise children of our own. This is where the atonement comes in. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles tells us:

“…our understanding of and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ will provide strength and capacity needed for a successful life. It will also bring confidence in times of trial and peace in moments of turmoil.”
(Richard G. Scott, April 2010, “He Lives! All Glory to His Name!”)

Our Father in Heaven loves each of us. How merciful of him to provide this peace, confidence and strength when we need it most. I know that he will bless each of his righteous daughters with the opportunity to be mothers in this life or the next. In the meantime, we can practice being mothers by mothering those around us.

I have read a great blog post about this promise of motherhood. Read more about it here.

An Inspiring Friend

A friend of mine recently wrote this post on her personal blog.  I asked permission to republish it here.

My friend got married when she was 26, and she and her husband were excited to start their family right away.  She got pregnant with their son relatively quickly, and he is now an absolutely adorable 3 1/2 year old.  She and her husband both want a big family, so they started trying for their second baby when their son was not yet a year old.  After an ectopic pregnancy, a year of fertility treatments, an inconclusive surgery, and a failed attempt at IVF, she is still not pregnant.

She has handled this trial with grace and strength, and I am so lucky to have her example in my life.  I love the thoughts that she shares here:

"I used to have an idea of how my ideal family would be. 4-5 kids, 2 years apart. They would grow up together, play together, and be good friends. I have since learned that there is no one ideal. And it has been a difficult lesson to learn.

I am very content and happy with my family. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and we are happy. We have the Gospel, my husband has an ideal job, we get to travel, and we really love each other. What more could we want?

Unfortunately this content feeling is intermingled with feelings of sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Sadness that my family is not growing as quickly as I would like. Sadness that I am getting older and my childbearing years are getting shorter. Guilt that I can't give Taylor a brother or sister to play with. Guilt that my life is not crazy busy taking care of lots of little ones. Guilt that I am sad when someone else gets pregnant. Guilt that I am not completely satisfied with my great family and life. Lonely feeling like no one understands how it feels to be in my shoes.

Luckily I am sane enough to know that many of my negative feelings are a bit irrational. I still have several years to try and have kids, there are plenty of people out there who completely understand (even some close friends), and it's okay to devote my time to just one child.

But these past few years have not been easy. I have really had to learn to rely and trust in the Lord. My first year of infertility I was miserable and could think of little else. But when I learned how to share the burden with the Lord, I have been much happier. I have learned to be happy with the now, and not dwell on what may or may not be in the future. I am still very sad each month when I find out I am not pregnant, but I have found a lot of comfort knowing that the Lord is aware of me. This is something that I have to continually work on, with lots of ups and downs.

Here are a few things I have learned from this experience.

1. Don't compare myself to anyone else. Example: So and so is younger than me, was married after me, and just has had three kids since I gave birth to my one. It just makes me feel sorry for myself.

2. Don't try and figure out why God would allow this to happen to me. For example: I must not be a very good mother so He can't trust me, or He thinks I can't handle having more than one, or maybe I am not doing well with the one I already have, etc. It is self-destructive.

3. Keep perspective. I probably will have more kids. If I am 32, 33, or 36 when that happens it doesn't matter. Afterward I will look back and wish I didn't worry about it so much. This one is much easier said than done.

4. Don't feel sorry for myself. When I am at a baby shower and 3/4 of the women in the room are pregnant, I don't need to dwell on the fact that I am not pregnant. If I can have a conversation focusing on someone else, I won't have to feel so bad for myself.

5. Serve others. When my mother-in-law was in her last months of battling cancer, she decided to make blankets for her grandchildren. She was too sick to do much of anything, let alone take on a big project. But she got one of her close friends to help her, and she got them done just before she passed away. When I asked her about them, she told me that she was starting to feel sorry for herself, and she needed to stop and do something for someone else. She was suffering a lot, and yet she was thinking of other people.

6. Live in the present. I have the great blessing of being a mother. I need to enjoy every minute of it instead of being sad that I am not getting more of it. That just doesn't make sense.

I don't know why this is a trial I have to endure. But I hope that I can look back and be grateful for how this experience has helped to refine me and make me a better person."

For Me

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately. I have wanted to write something that would help others realize how my path of infertility has helped me. And encourage others to be hopeful about their trials. I just prayed for 3 specific couples to be able to have children. But then I realized that I didn't pray for myself-because I have kids and don't other people need them more? But the stark realization is that my infertility is not over just because I have had some success. I am still on the path and I am still not sure where that path is going to lead. When I comforted someone this week about her infertility, wasn't I also comforting myself about the reality that I may be in her shoes again sooner than later?

But there is a difference this time-- At a recent stake conference, a sister bore beautiful testimony about feeling like broken glass. And how she really couldn't see how the pieces could ever fit together again. But then she saw a stained glass window and it all made sense. She is not put together the way she thought, but all of her broken pieces have been fit together to make a whole that is more than she ever thought it could be.

It hit me that this is exactly what my experience with infertility is about. I look at my twins and it's easy to think that they are the end result. That they are the miracle. But that's not the whole story. The real miracle is that because of the hard time I had to get them--I grew to trust God with my life. (not that I do ALL the time). And so now, when I have to face the unknown again--the miracle is still there. The trust is still there. That no matter what the end result is (0, 1, or more kids) the miracle has already happened--the stained glass is being put together. The picture may not be what I planned--but the artist has a better plan anyway. And if I get broken again--I know exactly who will be fitting the pieces together.

The Lord's Tender Mercies

I am always amazed at how the Lord blesses our lives. If we aren't careful we may not notice or, even worse, choose not to accept his blessing. I have come to relate these frequent blessings as "tender mercies" as it has been referred to in scriptures and talks.

I like what Elder Bednar said about tender mercies in a General Conference talk:

"...the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

Just over a year ago I was thinking about my life situation. My husband had met a good friend at school whose wife had very similar experiences as me. We soon became each other's comfort and I shared things with her that I didn't share with anyone else. We would often talk about our woes and how hard it was to accept the fact that we were not yet mothers. It was such a comfort having someone that could empathize with me.

Meeting her was tender mercy number one.

During one of our many discussions we talked about the difficulty of knowing that friends and family were pregnant when we were waiting so long, wanted to be so badly, but weren't; and how hard it is to be happy for someone you love when you are aching so much inside.

I hadn't experienced this with too many loved ones yet. For one thing, I was the first of my friends to be married. However, three of my closest friends had just gotten married and I knew sooner or later they would be starting their families whether or not my husband and I had children of our own yet. I wanted desperately to be happy for them and not bitter that I, who had been married much longer, was not.

I began to pray for peace.

The Lord soon blessed me with peace and a month or so later I got a call from one of my dear friends telling me she was pregnant. I was honestly so happy for her. I felt no sadness for myself, just happiness for my friend. A day or two later I found out another dear friend was pregnant and again I felt just happiness and joy. Within the coming months it was announced that all three of my married sister-in-laws were pregnant. With each announcement I felt genuine joy and happiness for them and only continued peace for me.

Peace was tender mercy number two.

During the Summer my husband and I decided to take some extra measures to try to get pregnant. We set a goal to do our part to draw on the powers of heaven and leave the rest up to the Lord. We set these goals for a certain amount of months and decided if nothing happened by then, we would take a break. As it came to the last month of our goal I felt as though our desire of becoming pregnant was not meant to happen at that time but that the Lord would bless us when the time was right. The inspiration I received was correct and we did not become pregnant. I was thankful that the Lord allowed me time to prepare myself for the outcome.

Being prepared was tender mercy number three.

How grateful I am for these mercies I have been blessed with. I can't help but wonder:

What if I chose not to open up to my friend? No comfort would have been felt.

What if I didn't notice the peace I felt and chose to feel bitter and unhappy anyway when I found out the happy news of friends and family? No peace would have been experienced.

And what if I was unwilling to accept the idea that this righteous goal that my husband and I had worked, prayed and exercised faith in for so long wasn't going to be fulfilled? Disappointment and a heartbreak would have been suffered.

Instead of sorrow the Lord blessed me with comfort, peace and a prepared heart.

How can I express my gratitude towards the Lord for his tender mercies?

I feel an echo of these words:

And they "did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them"

(Ether 6:12)

Learning to Be Content

This post on the blog Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal really resonated with me.

Excerpt below, but check out the entire post and the entire blog for an uplift!

"Lately I have been upset that my Infertility Anger was coming back.  I was irritated by constant reminders that we didn't have any control over when we added children to our family...


In the midst of all of these thoughts, I kept seeing this ad on TV for a new show about couples having babies.  Some of the parents seemed apathetic about their new babies, which made me angry.

If only they knew how easy they had it...
I was frustrated.  Disgruntled.  Confused....

And then our bishop asked me to give a combined, 5th Sunday presentation about self-reliance, welfare and budgeting.  That doesn't seem like it would have anything to do with Infertility Anger, but it ended up teaching me a lesson.

As I looked over some materials for my presentation, I kept coming across the same things: 'Trust in the Lord' and 'be content with what you have.'  

And then, in the mail I got my February issue of The Ensign magazine and in it were 2 articles about finances and self-reliance.  One was called Learning to be Content.  It was written by a woman who had been caught up in comparing her home and her financial situation with those of others.  She said:

A short time after we moved in, my initial excitement faded as I began to see the flaws of our home and feel discontented. Many of my friends had much larger homes decorated in such appealing styles as to make our home seem small, plain, and wanting. I found myself making comparisons and feeling that I came up short.

During one of my more intense periods of disgruntlement, a couple in our ward invited us to join them for family home evening. When we arrived at their home I felt the anticipated pang of jealousy at the sight of their large, new home in which little had been forgone. What I had not anticipated was the conversation I had with the wife that evening. She mentioned their unhappiness with their home and their desire to find something a little bigger to better suit their needs. I was astounded! How could someone who had so much not realize how lucky she was? I would give anything to live in this gorgeous home—and she was unhappy! How could she not appreciate what she had?

As I later reflected on her comments and my reaction in turn, the Spirit gave me a very profound insight: I was no different from my friend whom I so strongly envied. We had been blessed to purchase a beautiful house that many, many people would be overjoyed to live in. The problem was not with the house—it was with me.

I had a lot of emotions swirling around in my head and I had forgotten to stop and count my blessings.  In order to be happy, I didn't necessarily need to have what other people seemed to take for granted."

Be Still My Soul--part 2

This post was inspired by Elise's post on January 23rd.  I was really touched by Elise's application of the hymn "Be Still My Soul."  As I read her words, I was reminded of a few scriptures that relate:

"Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake, to guide the future as He has the past."
     In my times of trial, it helps me to remember that God has never forsaken me in the past.  It helps me to think of specific times in my life when I thought all was lost, but in retrospect, I can see that God was there all along.  This is one of the reasons I love journaling.  As I read my old journals, I am amazed to see how God worked things out for me.  In the Book of Mormon, Nephi also relied on the past in order to maintain his faith in the present:
1 Nephi 4:-1-2:  “And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground, and the armies of Pharaoh did follow and were drowned in the waters of the Red Sea.”

Because he knew the scriptures, Nephi was able to draw strength from the story of Moses and the deliverance of the children of Isreal.  Similarly, we can draw strength from stories in the scriptures, church history, family history, or even our own part.  If God guided His children in the past, He will surely guide them today.  If God guided me in the past, He will surely guide me in my current trials.

"Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last.  Be still my soul, the waves and winds still know, His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below."


The reference in the hymn to "waves and winds" remind me of something I noticed in my reading of the New Testament.  Several accounts in the NT tell of Jesus walking across the Sea of Galilee to reach his frightened apostles in the midst of a storm. In Mark 6:47-51, it says: “And when evening was come, the ship [of the disciples] was in the midst of the sea, and [Jesus] was alone on the land. And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea...He talked with them, and saith unto them, ‘Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.’ And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased...”

It’s so interesting to me that Jesus stood on the shore watching the disciples struggling and toiling before he intervened and calmed the storm. He was there all along, watching over them, but they didn’t know it. This has so many parallels to my life experiences and my frustration with years of infertility. Christ doesn’t always immediately calm my storms just because I want Him to. He often waits until the “fourth watch,” meaning that I often have to struggle and toil for a long time before He lightens my burdens. Nevertheless, He is always there, “on the shoreline,” watching over and protecting me in the midst of my storms.

Wait on the Lord

I have never liked waiting--nor have I been good at it--yet I find myself waiting a lot these days.

Most of all, I am waiting to rock a baby to sleep in my arms and sing lullabies and wipe tears and calm tantrums until we get pregnant or get chosen for an adoption.
I don't think anyone can escape this life without having to, at some point, wait for something that they really really want.  A child, a job, a cure, a loved one's change of heart...a spouse.

Several of my best friends are not married.  They'd like to be.  A few of them appear to be on their way (very serious boyfriends); others have suffered recent disappointments.  They are beautiful, kind, intelligent, and talented.  They are spiritual, selfless, funny, and capable.

And yet they wait.  They wait and hope and work for something that is almost entirely out of their control.

A phrase that has fascinated me in my recent scripture study is "waiting on the Lord."  One thing that I love about online scriptures is that I can type in a search term and easily read all of the references that relate to my query. 

When I enter "wait on the Lord," I get 47 results, and I have thought about many of those verses at different moments in the last few months. 

Lately, I have been thinking about this one:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Waiting for our baby is the hardest thing I've ever done, and sometimes I wonder if I can continue doing it.  I need the Lord to "renew [my] strength."  I need Him to help me "mount up with wings as eagles," so I can see a view of my life from a higher, more eternal perspective and feel the exhilaration of His love.  I need Him to help me run this endurance race "and not be weary...and not faint." 

We are all waiting for something.  We've been promised that we can bear it.  Sometimes I'm not so sure...but then I remember these scriptures, and I remember...

We can do it.

If Thou Endure it Well

I was watching the well-known church movie Legacy today. Our pioneer ancestors are such a great example of faith and trust in the Savior.
In the movie this scripture was quoted and, although I know it well, this time it really stood out to me:

"My [daughter] peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high"

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

Endure it well.

Well

Now that's the hard part. It's one thing to endure a trial, its another to do it well.

But then I was reminded that I don't have to do it alone. There is someone that does know exactly what I'm going through and will ease my burden so that I can endure it well!

Christ said:

"I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days"

Moses 1:26

That's what makes the Gospel of Jesus Christ so wonderful. That is what helps me endure well.

Be Still, My Soul

Last Sunday this hymn was played in church as a beautiful musical number. It's always been one of my favorites.

As my husband and I sat together listening, I found added strength and comfort in the words.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Patience. What a hard thing to learn. I used to think I was patient, but the older I get the more I realize I'm just not. This is by far the hardest thing. Especially because when we think we've been patient plenty long, it's just the beginning for the Lord.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

This reminds me of a scripture (I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say).
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. He'll take care of me. As long as I do my part, He'll give me all that I need and then some more...ALWAYS.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I had a professor that called those thorny ways "Celestial Stress". Look at any great person you know and you'll see some extremely hard trials that they went through and those trials are what made them great. So whenever I'm faced with something difficult I try to remember to ask myself: "What am I suppose to learn from and gain from this experience?" I know that the Lord cares for me more than anyone else. Because of this, I also know that if I stay close to the Lord I will come out of it a better person and more joyful because I am that much closer to Him.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.

I know this is true but I always need to be reminded of it during tough times. I KNOW that the Lord has ALWAYS taken care of me in the past. EVERY trouble I have had, he has guided me and it has worked for my good. My husband is so good to remember this and sometimes needs to gently remind me when I'm having a rough day.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

It can be really hard to keep constant hope. I remember one night breaking down and crying to my husband (and later to the Lord). I told him how badly I wanted to have faith like Nephi, the Brother-of-Jared, and so many others that didn't waiver. But whether we have perfect faith and hope or not, one day we will see the answer to those questions that are so hard to understand now.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Doesn't this remind you of Mark chapter 4? When the Lord calmed the seas. I've always loved that story. If the waves of the sea know who Christ is and obey him, shouldn't I too? Even when it's tough? Maybe I need to be like the sea more often and just BE STILL.

Not only was the music absolutely beautiful and the words inspiring, but there was icing on the cake. Have you ever noticed the scriptures at the bottom of hymns? I don't look at them very often, but I decided to look them up this time. What GREAT scriptures!

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the Lord, and do good....Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass....Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him...wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth."

Doctrine and Covenants 101:14, 16, 36-38

"And all they who have mourned shall be comforted....all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.
"Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life."

And to top it all off, even the talks went along with this personal spiritual feast I experienced.

One of the speakers said these words:

Have faith in the future

Where the Lord will take us will be better than where we've been.

I felt so blessed that the Lord would allow me to learn such wonderful things. I'm glad I was willing to listen and worthy to hear.

"He is building up a palace..."

Just when I needed it, a friend sent me this quote by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace. He intends to come and live in it himself.”

Peace that passeth all understanding

I had a rough week last week...sometimes that happens with no real explanation as to why.  I felt sorry for myself and wondered why my husband and I don't have children yet.  I prayed and asked God what I should do.

My answer came in the Palmyra Temple.  I was reading the Bible, and I came across this passage in Philippians.  As I read it, I was amazed how each verse built on the next and spoke to me clearly about our current situation:

6 Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

     *The footnote here said, "Don't be unduly concerned about anything."  The verse seemed to be saying to me, "Don't stress too much about not having a baby yet.  Just pray and thank God for your blessings and tell Him what you want, and then trust Him."

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

     *This is one of my all-time favorite verses of scripture.  It describes perfectly the uncanny peace that I felt when my mom passed away when I was a teenager.  How could I be feeling peace during the worst days of my life? It didn't make any sense.  But this verse explains that God's peace "passeth understanding"--it doesn't always seem possible or reasonable.  Yet, this peace guards or "keeps" our hearts and enables us to bear even the most difficult challenges in life.  Through Him, I can feel peace, even with infertility.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there by any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

     *I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about my desperate desire for a child.  It can become consuming.  I sometimes compare myself to other people and think, "We are the only married couple in Ryan's dental class that still doesn't have children" or "I can't believe that she got pregnant her first month of trying," etc.  This kind of thinking is not helpful.  It only leads to unfounded bitterness and discouragement.  This verse reminded me that, instead, I need to "think on things" that are uplifting and lovely.  I need to have hope.

9  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and hear, and seen in me, do; and the God of peace shall be with you.

     *This scripture seemed like a simple instruction: Keep doing what you know is right.  Don't become paralyzed by discouragement or self-pity.  Push along.  Be obedient. Keep trying, keep serving, keep praying.  God will be with you.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, there with to be content.

     *Rachel, be content.  Be happy.  You have a wonderful life.  Enjoy it.  Sleep in on a Saturday morning (you won't be doing that once you have kids!); go for a late-night run with Ryan (again, not really possible with a newborn); go on a romantic dinner date or a spur-of-the-moment road trip (hard to pull off with kids).  This is a good stage of life--so savor it.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

     *The final line of this passage is obviously the most important: I can do and bear anything through Jesus Christ.  He has been strengthening me through this difficult trial.