I have been seriously pondering what I wanted to write about in this post. It's such a huge task to put onto words how I feel about my infertility. About it in the past, present and future. Because even though I am now a mother-I can't just forget or erase the 5 years when I wasn't. And the 5 years that absolutely made me who I am in every way. And the years ahead are still cloudy--more children? when? how? how many?
And more importantly-how do I put into words how I have come to trust the Savior? And to face the question-do I trust Him? Did I learn enough? Or have I already forgotten the miraculous ways that He wiped away my tears and gave me peace/gives me peace.
And so I have been remembering. The times of sorrow are definitely there. The times that I wept sore. The doctor's visits that just left me feeling empty and used. But those are not the times that occupy my brain for the most part. Because at the forefront are the tender mercies. I have come to realize that those really are a gift. Because I definitely do not do my part to receive them. I don't pray as earnestly as I should. And I complain a lot more than most people. But they are there anyway. And over time, there have been enough of them that the result is also a gift. It's a gift of faith. And because of that faith I have been able to miraculously quiet tears. And pray more earnestly. And enjoy life more. And because of my experiences in the past, I have more hope for the future. The answers to the questions are not nearly as important as who is answering them. And even though His answers are sometimes heartbreaking, and confusing and not what we want-they are His. And I have come to trust that despite everything, they will come.
"Thou art merciful, O God, for thou hast heard my prayer, even when I was in the wilderness; yea, thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my field; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me. And again, O God, when I did turn to my house thou didst hear me in my prayer. And when I did turn unto my closet, O Lord, and prayed unto thee, thou didst hear me. Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them." Alma 33:5-8
