Picked for these experiences

I met my dear friend Terra when she moved in our ward just under a year ago.  I know we were meant to meet and share our infertility experiences with each other, and you.  Thank you Terra for sharing. 

I am the mother of quite possibly the sweetest baby girl that has ever lived! I wouldn't make this up. She is beautiful and smart. She just turned one and I already can see how she will change the world. She changed my world. I wouldn't change my life if I could.

But this wasn't always the case.
When my husband and I learned we would never be able to create children of our own I felt angry.  I felt  broken. Why would Heavenly Father do this to us? I longed to be a mother since I could remember and my husband is the most compassionate, selfless person I've ever met. Why not us?! Maybe I was being punished. I couldn't understand. Why are there so many "undeserving" people in this world (that don't even want children) that can get pregnant and not us?! We are good people. We try to live right and serve others. Why were we not deserving of the one thing we want most?
Through time, we began to see that this was always Heavenly Fathers plan for us. Not a punishment, but a gift. After 5 years of marriage we adopted our first child. She was always meant for our family. I know she agreed to this plan too.  We have chosen a very open adoption and contact with our baby's birthfamily and LOVE it! It's not for everyone but it works for us. Heavenly Father trusted this beautiful person to give our baby life, and now He's trusting us with her life; to teach her how to get back home. Now how can He take my darkest hour and make it my greatest joy? Only through this trial could I have learned how to trust in my Savior and completely hand over my life to Him. I am grateful my husband and I are made the way we are.If we weren't, how would I have learned my purpose. I am not the strongest person. I still need His help. Sometimes my only strength comes from knowing He has been there and knows what I've been through.  I don't know exactly why it had to be this way but one thing I know for certain is:  I am not broken and neither are you!

A friend sent me this poem awhile back. I have never been able to say it quite so well:

Dear (insert your name here),

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard. You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok. Because it's not fair. Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not. And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it, sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you. It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten. Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently. Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see. Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.

But you were made from scratch! Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard. But don’t ever feel broken.

When your load is too much to bear alone, know that you were never meant to carry it yourself. He has already felt your pain. Remember you were hand picked for these experiences because Heavenly Father needed you. I believe we agreed to it. Not because we wanted it, or because it would be easy but because we knew that it alone could bring us the closest to our Savior. Gaining this perspective has made the hard days not so hard. We are never alone if we Trust in Him.  His plan is perfect. It can bring us far greater joy then we could ever imagine on our own. I beg you to let it.
Love- Terra

Honest Thoughts

http://roastandheather.blogspot.com/2012/02/honest-ie-tmi.html

Click on the link above for an honest and real and very funny post about what it's like to deal with infertility on a daily basis. If you're like me, you will walk away feeling like you're not alone.

Not the Only One

I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.

An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.

Advice from a Wise Woman

Don't you just love Sister Beck?  There's a great website called mormonchannel.org that does interviews with church leaders (among many other things).  My mom recently sent me a link to an interview with Sister Beck about motherhood.  Around the 30 minute mark of the interview she talks about those women who have not been blessed with children.  I LOVE what she has to say. 

"It's a painful thing... to want children and not have them.  I think its okay to mourn that.  It's a very great grief and you can go through the stages of mourning but you don't live there.  You can't spend eternity there.  You can't spend this life there.  Acknowledge that you're sad and lay it before the Lord and say 'Heal me and help me through this grief and this pain; this sadness.  Because I don't want to live here in this spot. I want to be become productive and helpful and contributing. Don't negate my nature but help me get through a grieving process to a place where I can see and feel the joy'."

I can personally testify that the Lord WILL heal this sorrow.  I have spent many days and nights on my knees in prayer.  I know he hears us.  I know he answers all our prayers differently but it is what we each need.  And no matter how he answers those prayers (whether its the answer we want or not) he CAN heal us and bring us peace if we rely on him.

As I get to know more and more women that have experienced some type of infertility it is interesting to see how the Lord works so different in each situation. 

Each couple has their own unique experience and each couple has the opportunity to turn to the Lord and become closer to him. 

This month is national adoption month.  I have known many great women and families that have been led to adoption and their families have been greatly blessed because of it. 

Rachel, who has posted on this blog, is dedicating this month to share about her experience in adoption and to answer anyone's questions about the process.  Through their long process she had to rely and trust in the Lord.  I wanted to post a few of her words here.  If you want to read more or ask her questions, check out her blog.

I cannot stop thinking about babies. I am not tormented or depressed (most of the time), but it is just something that weighs heavily on my mind and my heart all day every day. What does God want for our family? Does he want us to adopt a special needs baby through an agency called Spence Chapin? Are we up for the challenge? Does he want us to stick it out with LDS Family Services? Does he want us to try harder for biological children, putting my body through the more intense fertility treatments that I am dreading? Does He care which path we take? I feel these nagging questions all the time, even when I am working on something else. When I’m grading papers, when I’m running on a treadmill…even when I’m sleeping. I can’t help but dream different scenarios of how we will get our baby.

I have never prayed so much in my life. I feel like prayers are inseparably woven into all of my thoughts these days. “What should we do? Please guide us Heavenly Father.” It’s like a refrain that plays in my mind all day long. And every morning and every night, I get on my knees and beg for guidance.

I remember feeling very similar thoughts and feelings.  As I read these words from Rachel and applied it to myself, I couldn't help but think that maybe sometimes we're not waiting on the Lord, the Lord is waiting on us.  He's waiting for us to have that complete reliance on him.  That continual prayer.  He wants us to learn to be that close with him every day, all the time.  Sometimes we have to learn it through hard things, but that's what helps us to learn and grow.

Waiting upon the Lord

Have I ever mentioned how much strength the words of prophets give me? Whenever I am discouraged or overwhelmed or sad I open my scriptures, listen to or read a conference talk. Most of the time I would rather just sit in self pity, but I'm always so glad when I choose to read the words of wise men because I feel better without fail.

On one of these occasions I was listening to Elder Robert D. Hales give a talk during the Sunday morning session of conference. It was titled:

Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done.

You can't get the full effect of his talk unless you read it in it's entirety but I did want to share some of my favorite quotes from his talk.

"Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'...Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, 'Thy will be done.'

"What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the wordwait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end."

"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often 'here a little and there a little' because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

"We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

"His blessings are eternal not temporary." What a great reminder as I wait upon the Lord.

You can also read this previous post about waiting on the Lord.