A friend of mine recently wrote this post on her personal blog. I asked permission to republish it here.
My friend got married when she was 26, and she and her husband were excited to start their family right away. She got pregnant with their son relatively quickly, and he is now an absolutely adorable 3 1/2 year old. She and her husband both want a big family, so they started trying for their second baby when their son was not yet a year old. After an ectopic pregnancy, a year of fertility treatments, an inconclusive surgery, and a failed attempt at IVF, she is still not pregnant.
She has handled this trial with grace and strength, and I am so lucky to have her example in my life. I love the thoughts that she shares here:
"I used to have an idea of how my ideal family would be. 4-5 kids, 2 years apart. They would grow up together, play together, and be good friends. I have since learned that there is no one ideal. And it has been a difficult lesson to learn.
I am very content and happy with my family. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and we are happy. We have the Gospel, my husband has an ideal job, we get to travel, and we really love each other. What more could we want?
Unfortunately this content feeling is intermingled with feelings of sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Sadness that my family is not growing as quickly as I would like. Sadness that I am getting older and my childbearing years are getting shorter. Guilt that I can't give Taylor a brother or sister to play with. Guilt that my life is not crazy busy taking care of lots of little ones. Guilt that I am sad when someone else gets pregnant. Guilt that I am not completely satisfied with my great family and life. Lonely feeling like no one understands how it feels to be in my shoes.
Luckily I am sane enough to know that many of my negative feelings are a bit irrational. I still have several years to try and have kids, there are plenty of people out there who completely understand (even some close friends), and it's okay to devote my time to just one child.
But these past few years have not been easy. I have really had to learn to rely and trust in the Lord. My first year of infertility I was miserable and could think of little else. But when I learned how to share the burden with the Lord, I have been much happier. I have learned to be happy with the now, and not dwell on what may or may not be in the future. I am still very sad each month when I find out I am not pregnant, but I have found a lot of comfort knowing that the Lord is aware of me. This is something that I have to continually work on, with lots of ups and downs.
Here are a few things I have learned from this experience.
1. Don't compare myself to anyone else. Example: So and so is younger than me, was married after me, and just has had three kids since I gave birth to my one. It just makes me feel sorry for myself.
2. Don't try and figure out why God would allow this to happen to me. For example: I must not be a very good mother so He can't trust me, or He thinks I can't handle having more than one, or maybe I am not doing well with the one I already have, etc. It is self-destructive.
3. Keep perspective. I probably will have more kids. If I am 32, 33, or 36 when that happens it doesn't matter. Afterward I will look back and wish I didn't worry about it so much. This one is much easier said than done.
4. Don't feel sorry for myself. When I am at a baby shower and 3/4 of the women in the room are pregnant, I don't need to dwell on the fact that I am not pregnant. If I can have a conversation focusing on someone else, I won't have to feel so bad for myself.
5. Serve others. When my mother-in-law was in her last months of battling cancer, she decided to make blankets for her grandchildren. She was too sick to do much of anything, let alone take on a big project. But she got one of her close friends to help her, and she got them done just before she passed away. When I asked her about them, she told me that she was starting to feel sorry for herself, and she needed to stop and do something for someone else. She was suffering a lot, and yet she was thinking of other people.
6. Live in the present. I have the great blessing of being a mother. I need to enjoy every minute of it instead of being sad that I am not getting more of it. That just doesn't make sense.
I don't know why this is a trial I have to endure. But I hope that I can look back and be grateful for how this experience has helped to refine me and make me a better person."
