Remembering Mercy

I have been seriously pondering what I wanted to write about in this post. It's such a huge task to put onto words how I feel about my infertility. About it in the past, present and future. Because even though I am now a mother-I can't just forget or erase the 5 years when I wasn't. And the 5 years that absolutely made me who I am in every way. And the years ahead are still cloudy--more children? when? how? how many?

And more importantly-how do I put into words how I have come to trust the Savior? And to face the question-do I trust Him? Did I learn enough? Or have I already forgotten the miraculous ways that He wiped away my tears and gave me peace/gives me peace.

And so I have been remembering. The times of sorrow are definitely there. The times that I wept sore. The doctor's visits that just left me feeling empty and used. But those are not the times that occupy my brain for the most part. Because at the forefront are the tender mercies. I have come to realize that those really are a gift. Because I definitely do not do my part to receive them. I don't pray as earnestly as I should. And I complain a lot more than most people. But they are there anyway. And over time, there have been enough of them that the result is also a gift. It's a gift of faith. And because of that faith I have been able to miraculously quiet tears. And pray more earnestly. And enjoy life more. And because of my experiences in the past, I have more hope for the future. The answers to the questions are not nearly as important as who is answering them. And even though His answers are sometimes heartbreaking, and confusing and not what we want-they are His. And I have come to trust that despite everything, they will come.

"Thou art merciful, O God, for thou hast heard my prayer, even when I was in the wilderness; yea, thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my field; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me. And again, O God, when I did turn to my house thou didst hear me in my prayer. And when I did turn unto my closet, O Lord, and prayed unto thee, thou didst hear me. Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them." Alma 33:5-8

It Really Is a Wonderful Life

I was recently reading through some old blog posts of some amazing women and came across this one.

It was a great reminder to me that life really is wonderful!

...Even when things aren't going how we planned.

Years ago a friend of mine posted these words on her blog:

This year, September 1, marks 3 years of infertility for Ryan and me. However, instead of being sad and full of self-pity I have instead decided to focus on blessings. I have a dear niece who is turning 8 this year. I was told recently that during one family prayer she said something to the effect of: "Please bless Uncle Ryan and Aunt Amy that they can have a baby. But if they can't, please help them know that they still have us."

During this month of thanks I have been pondering about the great support of our family and friends. I have a hard time talking about our struggles openly, and usually don't, but I know many of them are aware of our situation and pray for us. I have been so touched as I've thought about the kind and selfless hearts of our family and friends. This is one of the Lord's tender mercies that has brought me comfort and peace.

And that knowledge makes this life a wonderful one!

Learning in Unexpected Ways

Sometimes it is the lack of what we desire that teaches us the lesson we need.

I have spent my entire life taking care of children, studying the development of children, and working with children. I was so sure by this time in my life I would have children of my own.

However, the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, has not seen fit that my husband and I be blessed with children yet. The last few months I have had the opportunity to pray more fervently, study the scriptures more carefully, and come closer to the Lord as I have sought to know his will concerning our desire to have a family. I have learned many things, none of which have been an answer as to why we don’t have children yet.

I have learned to TRULY have faith (which I am always praying for more of). I have learned what HOPE is. I have learned to have more empathy for others. I have learned about, studied and ached with some of the women in the Old Testament that also had difficulty having children: Sara, Rachel, Rebekah and Hannah. Each of these women had the same desire I have: to raise righteous children unto the Lord.

In the last few months I have grown so much! That doesn’t mean I don’t have my occasional breakdowns, but I am actually glad to have this struggle. I am glad I have become closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior, glad to progress in the Lord's gospel and glad that I have the opportunity to learn these lessons that will help me be a better mother.

During these months of studying I have come across this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that has become one of my new favorites:

"We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

(This, the Greatest of All Dispensations, CES Fireside, September 2004)

This is what I am striving to do daily, and I know with the Lord's help I can.

Wait on the Lord

Rachel is one of the inspiring women I know. I have taken excerpts from a post on her personal blog. To read the entire entry you can go here.

I am a woman of many words. I love to talk, I love to write, I love to express, I love to communicate. I feel that in order to truly understand the things that are most important to me, I must verbalize and record them.

So why is it so hard for me to capture in words all that I have learned and experienced in the past few months?

I sit down, and I try to write blog posts or journal entries...and I just can’t do it. It’s not that it is too sad or too hard for me—it’s just that I don’t have the words. I have learned so much more than I can possibly verbalize in one sitting. I feel like it will come out little by little over the months and years.

We had a particularly tough week [recently]. I was getting discouraged about myself...and a little angry with God.... Life didn’t feel fair.

I often wonder what that phrase means—“the way that they were supposed to.” How much of our lives are planned/controlled by God? How much does He mean to happen, and how much does He just allow to happen? I know that we all have free will and agency, so it’s not like He dictates exactly what we are going to do.... He has the ability and desire to help everything work out for the best. He can take an experience that could be considered a trial and turn it into a blessing for all involved. That is the power of His Atonement.

One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”

God may not have intended for me to have fertility problems, but He has promised that He will work it out for me somehow so that it will be for my good and so that I will still be able to fulfill my calling as a mother....I [have] felt that truth settle on me, and I’ve felt an uncanny peace in the weeks that have followed. Sure, I’ve had a few meltdowns (just ask Ryan), but for the most part, something inside of me is saying, “It’s all going to be okay, Rachel. Just hang on.”

I am proud to say that I am learning. By nature, I am a control freak. I am impatient. I am used to working for what I want. I must say that as much as this experience hurts me, it is good for me. I can feel myself changing.

Which leads me to my last religious thought for the day. (Well, at least my last religious thought to be shared on a public blog.) In Psalms 27:14, we are promised, “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

I am waiting. And He is strengthening me.