Sorrow then Joy

One of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon are Alma 17-28.

These chapters focus on the missionary work of Alma and the sons of Mosiah (including Ammon, my favorite!).

Maybe that's an odd thing to bring up on a blog focused on fertility.

I'll expound.

I just finished reading these chapters in my personal study and I'm always amazed at the wisdom that comes from the experiences of these men. I believe you can apply their example and experiences to all sorts of life events.

I just read two verses that stood out to me:

"And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer."

"And this is the account of...their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy..."

(Alma 28:6 & 8)

Verse 6 was a good reminder to me that in our day of sorrow is when we need to increase our fasting and prayer to the Lord. It is so tempting to want to give up. To not care. To do nothing. But when we turn to the Lord he will bless us with joy.

Which brings me to verse 8. I wrote in the margins of my scriptures:

"first sorrow, then joy"

Isn't that how it usually works. It is only after the sorrow that we feel the increase of joy. And our joy is more sweet because of the sorrow.

It is incomprehensible joy!

Even though the sorrow and aching of not being a mother is hard, and not wished on anyone, how much more joy will we have when we are finally blessed with that experience?

I know our Heavenly Father is aware of our sorrows and when we endure well, he blesses us with an increase of joy!

Sacrifice of Women

My mom sent me the link to this article from Mormon Times the other day. I especially loved the second half of the article. I know that whatever is the Lord's plan for us He sees our sacrifices and will bless us for them, whether in this life or the next.

"A year later, I had a miscarriage. My first. In the aftermath I grappled with many difficult feelings— grief, anger, longing. Sure, I had only been pregnant for a few weeks, but I had already invested great physical, emotional and spiritual energy in this new life and for what?

A few weeks later, I spoke with a close friend of mine who had just suffered her second miscarriage. I confided my sense of emptiness and futility. But as I continued to speak, I heard surprising words coming from my mouth.

"It wasn't a waste," I said. "It wasn't a waste."

I wasn't quite sure what I meant. But I knew that somehow, my loss counted. It was known by God and would, in some inexplicable way, contribute to his work and his glory, as well as my personal holiness.

I felt better after that, even though it still took more time to recover, both physically and emotionally. I became convinced that when women offer their bodies as vehicles for new life, they are consecrating themselves to God's purposes, and God honors this offering, whether or not it results in live birth.

I realized that this is true for women in a variety of circumstances: women who try and try, but are unable to conceive; women who face the rigors of adopting a child; women who remain single in this lifetime, who must forego maternity as well as intimacy on a number of levels.

I came to this conclusion. Every woman of faith consecrates her body as a living sacrifice. Whether our particular burden is fullness or emptiness, each of us is pushing against the world's current with our eyes on the kingdom of God."

Heat

I made some banana bread today.

It actually turned out really good.

It was soft and moist with no burns or gooey spots.

It was just right.

As I sat eating a slice late at night I started thinking about how my bread got from the slimy ingredients I put in the pan to the delicious fluffy bread I was eating. The answer to this transformation of my dough to bread all happened because of heat.

It was also important that just the right ingredients mixed together before it was exposed to that heat and that it was IN the heat for just the right amount of time. Otherwise my bread couldn't become the deliciousness I was eating.

And as I ate my bread it dawned on me that our lives are kind of the same.

The Lord is so careful to put just the right experiences, or ingredients, in our life at just the right time so when a trial comes along we have the opportunity to grow and become a "delicious piece of bread". If we try to escape from our trials too quickly we might still be a little gooey in the middle, or in other words we won't reach our full potential.

The Lord said:

"My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy [trials] " (D&C 121:7-8)

So the next time I'm in the midst of the heat, I think I'll try to remember my banana bread and imagine what "deliciousness" I can become if I endure it well.

I wanted to share my thoughts on Mother's Day. I have been pondering a lot today on those years of trying to celebrate this holiday without children. It's tough--I would try to be optimistic and believe in words of Sheri Dew (thanks, Elise), but at the same time I would feel stupid when people would say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. But even though this day is a very important and special holiday, it is also just a day. And even though we put extra emphasis on mothers once a year, we are ALL given the responsibility to mother ALL the time. And that should be our highest aspiration whether we have children or not. Motherhood is not something that is given to us. It is our eternal make up and fiber.
I feel guilty from time to time for not getting a full time job while I was married with no kids. I admire those women who do. But I already had too much on my personal plate so I didn't go there. But I definitely still had a job--I was the nurturer in my home. That doesn't ever go away or change. We are unique and different as women. But the very things that make us unique are also the very things that make us the same--we are given gifts to develop that can help each other and the world--but most importantly we are given gifts to nurture our souls well enough that we can be effective mothers. Any time I feel like I am having a hard time, and am less than patient with people, it is because I have forgotten to remember what it is that I am supposed to be focusing on. The manifestation of our mothering is vastly individual. But the calling is the same. And I'm grateful for that.
All of this preamble has led up to what I really want to share. And that is that during my infertile years, we started a tradition in our family. Each Mother's Day, my husband gives me a priesthood blessing.  And despite the fact that I have received many answers to prayer and received many blessings--these are the ones that continue to bless and sustain me the most. It is clear that Heavenly Father knows my inner most soul. And whether I have had to wait longer for children or not, the increased feeling of love in my life is significant because of this tradition. So no matter your own unique situation, I highly recommend beginning your own spiritual tradition surrounding this day. I know it will bless you like it has blessed me. Happy Mother's Day! 

We Are the Lord's Secret Weapon

Since Mother’s Day and Easter fell so close to each other this year, I couldn’t help but reflect on the connection between these events.

Mother's day can be a hard when you are yearning for, but have not yet obtained, that most precious role of mother. I have come to learn that there is so much to celebrate on this special day whether we are mothers yet or not. One of my all-time favorite talks is by Sheri Dew titled "Are We Not All Mothers?”.

Not only has Sheri Dew never had the opportunity to be a mother, but she has never even had the opportunity to marry. She is a wise women of God and I love reading her words. She said:
*(note-emphasis is added)

“… both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Motherhood...is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.
Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: ‘Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.’
For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.
And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read.
Every sister in Relief Society…is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. … Every one of us can mother someone… I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.
As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning.
(Sheri L. Dew, January 2002, “Are We Not All Mothers?”)

I love that wording. We are the Lord’s secret weapon. ALL women! ALL of us! We are to be the examples, teachers and leaders of the rising generation whether it’s our own children, those we come in contact with at church, work, or in our extended families.

I have had the privilege of working with youth and children my entire life. I have become very close to many of them and I would hope that I have had some kind of positive influence on at least one of them. But it is humbling to know that, even though I don’t have children of my own yet, it is my responsibility (and yours and yours) to lead the next generation.

As we do our part to lead these children and youth it doesn’t take away the sorrow of being unable to raise children of our own. This is where the atonement comes in. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles tells us:

“…our understanding of and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ will provide strength and capacity needed for a successful life. It will also bring confidence in times of trial and peace in moments of turmoil.”
(Richard G. Scott, April 2010, “He Lives! All Glory to His Name!”)

Our Father in Heaven loves each of us. How merciful of him to provide this peace, confidence and strength when we need it most. I know that he will bless each of his righteous daughters with the opportunity to be mothers in this life or the next. In the meantime, we can practice being mothers by mothering those around us.

I have read a great blog post about this promise of motherhood. Read more about it here.

An Inspiring Friend

A friend of mine recently wrote this post on her personal blog.  I asked permission to republish it here.

My friend got married when she was 26, and she and her husband were excited to start their family right away.  She got pregnant with their son relatively quickly, and he is now an absolutely adorable 3 1/2 year old.  She and her husband both want a big family, so they started trying for their second baby when their son was not yet a year old.  After an ectopic pregnancy, a year of fertility treatments, an inconclusive surgery, and a failed attempt at IVF, she is still not pregnant.

She has handled this trial with grace and strength, and I am so lucky to have her example in my life.  I love the thoughts that she shares here:

"I used to have an idea of how my ideal family would be. 4-5 kids, 2 years apart. They would grow up together, play together, and be good friends. I have since learned that there is no one ideal. And it has been a difficult lesson to learn.

I am very content and happy with my family. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and we are happy. We have the Gospel, my husband has an ideal job, we get to travel, and we really love each other. What more could we want?

Unfortunately this content feeling is intermingled with feelings of sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Sadness that my family is not growing as quickly as I would like. Sadness that I am getting older and my childbearing years are getting shorter. Guilt that I can't give Taylor a brother or sister to play with. Guilt that my life is not crazy busy taking care of lots of little ones. Guilt that I am sad when someone else gets pregnant. Guilt that I am not completely satisfied with my great family and life. Lonely feeling like no one understands how it feels to be in my shoes.

Luckily I am sane enough to know that many of my negative feelings are a bit irrational. I still have several years to try and have kids, there are plenty of people out there who completely understand (even some close friends), and it's okay to devote my time to just one child.

But these past few years have not been easy. I have really had to learn to rely and trust in the Lord. My first year of infertility I was miserable and could think of little else. But when I learned how to share the burden with the Lord, I have been much happier. I have learned to be happy with the now, and not dwell on what may or may not be in the future. I am still very sad each month when I find out I am not pregnant, but I have found a lot of comfort knowing that the Lord is aware of me. This is something that I have to continually work on, with lots of ups and downs.

Here are a few things I have learned from this experience.

1. Don't compare myself to anyone else. Example: So and so is younger than me, was married after me, and just has had three kids since I gave birth to my one. It just makes me feel sorry for myself.

2. Don't try and figure out why God would allow this to happen to me. For example: I must not be a very good mother so He can't trust me, or He thinks I can't handle having more than one, or maybe I am not doing well with the one I already have, etc. It is self-destructive.

3. Keep perspective. I probably will have more kids. If I am 32, 33, or 36 when that happens it doesn't matter. Afterward I will look back and wish I didn't worry about it so much. This one is much easier said than done.

4. Don't feel sorry for myself. When I am at a baby shower and 3/4 of the women in the room are pregnant, I don't need to dwell on the fact that I am not pregnant. If I can have a conversation focusing on someone else, I won't have to feel so bad for myself.

5. Serve others. When my mother-in-law was in her last months of battling cancer, she decided to make blankets for her grandchildren. She was too sick to do much of anything, let alone take on a big project. But she got one of her close friends to help her, and she got them done just before she passed away. When I asked her about them, she told me that she was starting to feel sorry for herself, and she needed to stop and do something for someone else. She was suffering a lot, and yet she was thinking of other people.

6. Live in the present. I have the great blessing of being a mother. I need to enjoy every minute of it instead of being sad that I am not getting more of it. That just doesn't make sense.

I don't know why this is a trial I have to endure. But I hope that I can look back and be grateful for how this experience has helped to refine me and make me a better person."

For Me

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately. I have wanted to write something that would help others realize how my path of infertility has helped me. And encourage others to be hopeful about their trials. I just prayed for 3 specific couples to be able to have children. But then I realized that I didn't pray for myself-because I have kids and don't other people need them more? But the stark realization is that my infertility is not over just because I have had some success. I am still on the path and I am still not sure where that path is going to lead. When I comforted someone this week about her infertility, wasn't I also comforting myself about the reality that I may be in her shoes again sooner than later?

But there is a difference this time-- At a recent stake conference, a sister bore beautiful testimony about feeling like broken glass. And how she really couldn't see how the pieces could ever fit together again. But then she saw a stained glass window and it all made sense. She is not put together the way she thought, but all of her broken pieces have been fit together to make a whole that is more than she ever thought it could be.

It hit me that this is exactly what my experience with infertility is about. I look at my twins and it's easy to think that they are the end result. That they are the miracle. But that's not the whole story. The real miracle is that because of the hard time I had to get them--I grew to trust God with my life. (not that I do ALL the time). And so now, when I have to face the unknown again--the miracle is still there. The trust is still there. That no matter what the end result is (0, 1, or more kids) the miracle has already happened--the stained glass is being put together. The picture may not be what I planned--but the artist has a better plan anyway. And if I get broken again--I know exactly who will be fitting the pieces together.