I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.
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