Not the Only One

I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.

An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.