The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

One of my favorite times of the year is the General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I especially love this bi-annual conference in the fall because its a great kick-off to the holidays.  It gets me thinking more about what I'm thankful for, my family, and most importantly, the Savior.  There were some wonderful talks, but this is one that stood out to me:

President Henry B. Eyring's Talk

 

He told a story about his dauther-in-law and her five year struggle to get pregnant after the birth of her three children.  I related with so much of what he said.  I especially related with the fact that she had to completely turn her will over to the Heavenly Father before she felt peace.  I had a very similar experience when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. 

 

I'm grateful for examples I can relate to and I'm grateful for the peace my Heavenly Father allows me to feel despite difficult circumstances. 

 

Please take the time to read it with an open heart.  I know you will feel something that is just for you!

 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

This is a beautiful post written by Amy's husband.  You can read the original post here.

 

That the Works of God Should be Made Manifest in Them

So I’ve given some thought to what I want our kids to learn from me. And no matter how much I love politics, sports, travel, etc., I realize that’s not the most important thing I can teach them. So while I’ll probably still ramble on this blog periodically about the aforementioned subjects, I think there’s something more important I can leave with them. I want them to know of the experiences in my life that have let me know there is a God, and that He cares about us. So I’ll start posting stories, experiences, and life lessons I’ve picked up along the way, in the hopes that they’ll be useful to our kids. And if they help someone else along the way, all the better. And I figured what better place to start than the beginning…

Amy (to me, shortly after we got married): “We’re going to have trouble getting pregnant, so if we want kids in 2 years, we should stop birth control now so we can get all the unsuccessful trying out of the way so we’ll be ready to try fertility treatments in 2 years when we really want to have a baby.”

Me: “You’re crazy. We’re both perfectly healthy. Why would you think we’d have any problems getting pregnant?”

Amy: “I just know. I can feel it.”

Me: “That’s insane.”

Me: (to Amy, childless, and in a fertility clinic 4 years later) “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Unfortunately in-vitro’s a really pricey proposition, but it was our only chance of having a baby. My family was graciously willing to let our business go into debt to finance the attempt. So we decided to move forward, but with some obvious financial concerns. A few weeks later we got a letter from our business’ insurance company. It explained some Wall Street stock stuff that I didn’t understand. Apparently the company was going public. And because we had our little business policy with them, we were going to receive a lot of money: out of the blue, for doing nothing. Enough to pay for the in-vitro treatments in full. We thanked God for this great blessing, paid off the doctors, and gave it a shot. But the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were crushed, and weren’t sure if we could afford (financially or emotionally) to try again. But through blessings and spiritual promptings, God had promised us (after 4 ½ years of marriage) that this would finally be the year Amy got pregnant. She was scheduled to take the pregnancy test on December 22^nd. When the dividend check finally arrived from the insurance company, it was for $15,000 more than we were told to expect. Just enough to pay for another in-vitro attempt, that would finally prove successful. Amy and I have always followed the biblical counsel to pay tithing. Malachi 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse…” And the Lord goes on to include an amazing promise to those who pay tithing “… and prove me now herewith sayeth the Lord God of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of Heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” All our prayers and efforts had been in hopes of having a baby. And when we went in for the ultrasound and saw our two babies for the first time, we were brought to our knees by the Lord’s goodness. He didn’t give us what we wanted. He gave us so much more. He didn’t just send money out of the blue to cover one attempt. Or $15,000 more from out of nowhere to cover a second attempt. He blessed us in a way that there was truly “Not room enough to receive it.”

Through all the years of tears and sorrow wondering why God wouldn’t give us children, we were repeatedly prompted that one day we’d understand why we had to go through this. We wondered if we’d done something wrong, or if God didn’t think we were worthy to have children. And as I look back now, I’m reminded of the scripture in John 9, where Jesus passes a blind man and his disciples ask “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” and Jesus answered (before healing the man), “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” Think about that for a second. “…But that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” I think that could be the explanation for a great many of our trials. And I’ve been able to see the works of God made manifest in Adam and Rachel. They are the most amazing children. Happy, healthy, kind, and smart. As many of you know, they were born 3 months prematurely. Adam weighed 2 lbs. 13 ½ ozs. (you know it’s bad when doctors use half ounces), and Rachel was a whopping 2 lbs. 14 ozs. Amy still gets choked up when she’s doing her exercises, and the kids pick up her little 3 lb. weights to work out with her. They came so suddenly that doctors didn’t have time to give Amy steroid shots to help their lungs develop, like they do with most preemie babies before they’re born. The steroids would’ve helped give their lungs a fighting chance. Instead, the doctor’s report from Adam’s delivery stated: “Upon delivery Baby A cried, then gasped for air before being intubated.” And Rachel’s report read similarly. The first week the kids were in the NICU, we gave them priesthood blessings. Any touching of their heads could’ve led to intercranial hemorrhaging. So rather than lay our hands on their heads, we placed our right pinky fingers lightly on each child’s arm, and trusted that God would understand. One nurse, realizing we were LDS, took me aside one day and told me “You know, you can get permission from your Bishop to do the children’s formal name & blessing ceremony in here. I know how important that is.” “That’s OK” I answered naively, “we’re going to do that at church in a few months when they get out.” Only later did I realize what she meant. “You might want to do this now, because they might not make it out.” The kids spent their first 3 months in the NICU before going home, and being blessed at church.

We’ve been reminded the past few weeks just how blessed we were. A nurse recently found out our children were born at 29 weeks, and opened with “are they still with us?” We confirmed the children were both still alive. The OB then read the chart and asked “So, cerebral palsy, blindness,… what long-term issues do they have as a result of the prematurity?” Which I could only answer through tears of gratitude, “Well, Adam’s got a faint scar on his shin from all the IVs.”

That the works of God should be made manifest in them.

Great article in the Ensign

I just read an article about infertility in the June 2012 Ensign, and I felt very uplifted by it.  The author shares her experience struggling with infertility and turning to the Lord through the scriptures and through prayer in order to find specific answers for her life.  After reading this article, I feel recommitted to fervently searching the scriptures and praying for guidance in my life.  The article reminded me that God is there; He is aware of us and wants what is best for us; His timing is perfect, and He can give us the peace we need while we wait for His timing to be revealed.  I'm so glad I read this article tonight:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility?lang=eng

Picked for these experiences

I met my dear friend Terra when she moved in our ward just under a year ago.  I know we were meant to meet and share our infertility experiences with each other, and you.  Thank you Terra for sharing. 

I am the mother of quite possibly the sweetest baby girl that has ever lived! I wouldn't make this up. She is beautiful and smart. She just turned one and I already can see how she will change the world. She changed my world. I wouldn't change my life if I could.

But this wasn't always the case.
When my husband and I learned we would never be able to create children of our own I felt angry.  I felt  broken. Why would Heavenly Father do this to us? I longed to be a mother since I could remember and my husband is the most compassionate, selfless person I've ever met. Why not us?! Maybe I was being punished. I couldn't understand. Why are there so many "undeserving" people in this world (that don't even want children) that can get pregnant and not us?! We are good people. We try to live right and serve others. Why were we not deserving of the one thing we want most?
Through time, we began to see that this was always Heavenly Fathers plan for us. Not a punishment, but a gift. After 5 years of marriage we adopted our first child. She was always meant for our family. I know she agreed to this plan too.  We have chosen a very open adoption and contact with our baby's birthfamily and LOVE it! It's not for everyone but it works for us. Heavenly Father trusted this beautiful person to give our baby life, and now He's trusting us with her life; to teach her how to get back home. Now how can He take my darkest hour and make it my greatest joy? Only through this trial could I have learned how to trust in my Savior and completely hand over my life to Him. I am grateful my husband and I are made the way we are.If we weren't, how would I have learned my purpose. I am not the strongest person. I still need His help. Sometimes my only strength comes from knowing He has been there and knows what I've been through.  I don't know exactly why it had to be this way but one thing I know for certain is:  I am not broken and neither are you!

A friend sent me this poem awhile back. I have never been able to say it quite so well:

Dear (insert your name here),

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.

He CHOSE you.

It is hard. You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,

"IT'S NOT FAIR"

It's ok. Because it's not fair. Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.

But yours does not. And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it, sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you. It is not an attack of your character.

It is not a punishment for something you have done.

It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.

Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.

You were not forgotten. Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are.

I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.

He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!

But, he would need to make you differently. Not to break you.

But to create miracles for your eyes to see. Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.

But you were made from scratch! Everything you have been given, has been given by God.

"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard. But don’t ever feel broken.

When your load is too much to bear alone, know that you were never meant to carry it yourself. He has already felt your pain. Remember you were hand picked for these experiences because Heavenly Father needed you. I believe we agreed to it. Not because we wanted it, or because it would be easy but because we knew that it alone could bring us the closest to our Savior. Gaining this perspective has made the hard days not so hard. We are never alone if we Trust in Him.  His plan is perfect. It can bring us far greater joy then we could ever imagine on our own. I beg you to let it.
Love- Terra

Honest Thoughts

http://roastandheather.blogspot.com/2012/02/honest-ie-tmi.html

Click on the link above for an honest and real and very funny post about what it's like to deal with infertility on a daily basis. If you're like me, you will walk away feeling like you're not alone.

Not the Only One

I really appreciate Elise's last post. I had been feeling myself getting closed up. "No one wants to hear about my problems," I tried to convince myself. And that's probably true to an extent. But if I didn't know about you--those who have tried to have children unsuccessfully--then I would be in a much darker spot.
It's weird to be in this place--having children, but wanting more. In some ways I am exactly where I was 5 years ago-wanting kids and not having any clue when or how that was going to happen. Living life, but not quite to the fullest cause there was always that "what if?"
But in other ways, I am not ready or thinking about more kids. My life is full-I have twins that take and require almost all of me. And they are miracles. And beautiful and I am so grateful for them. Shouldn't that be enough?
But I can't help but think about my plan. From an early age I put my order in. I told Heavenly Father exactly how life should be. I want a boy and then a girl close together. And then I want about a three year gap. Then I want another boy and then a girl close together again.
So on the days that I am frustrated and think "when on earth am I going to have more kids? and how? I'm already doing everything I know how to do!" I remember my plan. I think of my boy and girl. And I remember that they are 3. And I hear in my heart the words, "What makes you think I won't give you exactly what you want?" And then I get hope again. And remember that it really doesn't matter how or when. And it's not just about me. They are His first.

An Open Heart

These are a few experiences and thoughts that are very special to me.  I haven't shared them with many people and hesitate to put them on a platform that anyone can access, but I feel like I need to share and I hope someone can gain something from it (especially myself).

The other day I was pondering an experience I had. 

A couple summers ago I was talking with a family member about people we knew who were having a hard time getting pregnant.  We spoke freely and at ease.  Then the family member alluded to the fact that we were having a hard time getting pregnant and I noticed that I immediately shut down.  I had no problem talking about others that had this sorrow, but I was not willing to talk to anyone about our situation.

I was very closed. 
My mother was the only one I talked about it with and even then I would never say anything directly.  I would just allude to our situation by mentioning books I'd read or mention something about my health.  The extent of me mentioning it to my sisters was telling them I went on a fertility diet.  Other than that I was completely closed. 

A little over a year ago  I started feeling like I needed to open.  I had met a lot of women in my situation and was grateful to hear their stories.  I felt strength as we shared our circumstances together. 

One morning as I was getting ready for the day an idea of starting a fertility blog came to mind.  I don't consider myself a strong writer and so I pushed the idea out of my mind.  The idea kept returning and I started to consider the possibility more and more.  A few days later when my husband and I went to the temple I couldn't get the idea out of my head.  I couldn't even concentrate on the words being spoken.  I knew it was something I needed to do, if only for my own benefit.  I didn't feel like it was something I could do on my own and I wanted others that could help me with it.  Great women that were great writers and had wonderful experiences, thoughts, and testimony to offer.  I knew just the ladies.  I contacted Rachel and Amy and they were so supportive.

As soon as we started this blog it was as if it opened my heart. The women that helped me start it gave me the courage I needed to open up and share my experiences in words.  

Since then I have met more great women that have been willing to share with me their wonderful stories of faith.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, open, and receive more joy.


I'm grateful for the blessing the Lord can give us of an open heart and the blessings that spring forth when we are willing to share with each other and bear one another's burdens.