I met my dear friend Terra when she moved in our ward just under a year ago. I know we were meant to meet and share our infertility experiences with each other, and you. Thank you Terra for sharing.
I am the mother of quite possibly the sweetest baby girl that has ever lived! I wouldn't make this up. She is beautiful and smart. She just turned one and I already can see how she will change the world. She changed my world. I wouldn't change my life if I could.
But this wasn't always the case.
When my husband and I learned we would never be able to create children of our own I felt angry. I felt broken. Why would Heavenly Father do this to us? I longed to be a mother since I could remember and my husband is the most compassionate, selfless person I've ever met. Why not us?! Maybe I was being punished. I couldn't understand. Why are there so many "undeserving" people in this world (that don't even want children) that can get pregnant and not us?! We are good people. We try to live right and serve others. Why were we not deserving of the one thing we want most?
Through time, we began to see that this was always Heavenly Fathers plan for us. Not a punishment, but a gift. After 5 years of marriage we adopted our first child. She was always meant for our family. I know she agreed to this plan too. We have chosen a very open adoption and contact with our baby's birthfamily and LOVE it! It's not for everyone but it works for us. Heavenly Father trusted this beautiful person to give our baby life, and now He's trusting us with her life; to teach her how to get back home. Now how can He take my darkest hour and make it my greatest joy? Only through this trial could I have learned how to trust in my Savior and completely hand over my life to Him. I am grateful my husband and I are made the way we are.If we weren't, how would I have learned my purpose. I am not the strongest person. I still need His help. Sometimes my only strength comes from knowing He has been there and knows what I've been through. I don't know exactly why it had to be this way but one thing I know for certain is: I am not broken and neither are you!
A friend sent me this poem awhile back. I have never been able to say it quite so well:
Dear (insert your name here),
You are a good mom. You love your children.
Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.
He CHOSE you.
It is hard.
You can do hard things.
Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,
"IT'S NOT FAIR"
It's ok.
Because it's not fair.
Life is not fair.
And that is what makes it all so beautiful!
You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.
But yours does not.
And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,
sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.
But your infertility is not about you.
It is not an attack of your character.
It is not a punishment for something you have done.
It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.
You are not broken on accident.
Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.
You were not forgotten.
Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are.
I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.
He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.
You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.
You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!
Everything you have been given, has been given by God.
"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.
But don’t ever feel broken.
When your load is too much to bear alone, know that you were never meant to carry it yourself. He has already felt your pain. Remember you were hand picked for these experiences because Heavenly Father needed you. I believe we agreed to it. Not because we wanted it, or because it would be easy but because we knew that it alone could bring us the closest to our Savior. Gaining this perspective has made the hard days not so hard. We are never alone if we Trust in Him. His plan is perfect. It can bring us far greater joy then we could ever imagine on our own. I beg you to let it.
Love- Terra
